My only daughter married a violent man three years ago. We started noticing his destructive behaviour after one year of marriage. She complained to us, but he discovered it through her e-mails.

He accuses me that I wasn’t a good mother. He’s worked on my daughter’s mind over past issues, to create tension between us.

He banned me from seeing my grandchild and threatened to call police if I come close. My daughter rarely visits us. Everything she plans must be with his supervision and consent.

He punched my husband in his ribs, for requesting explanations for his violent behaviour after my daughter's phone call for help.

She called 911 while we were there, but he threatened to take the baby away. My daughter’s expecting another baby this summer.

Sick and Depressed

Keep a dated record of his threats, along with whatever preceded his outburst. Show these to a lawyer for legal advice, and in case he ever does involve the police.

Privately tell your daughter she needs to develop a safe plan for protecting herself and her children if needed. She should also (privately) contact a women’s crisis shelter and learn where to go for safety, instead of straight to your place where he’d look immediately.

Tell her that if he’s violent with either of you two again, you MUST call Police to protect yourselves. She’ll possibly be at risk then too, so her plan for safety is crucial.

His anger appears to be escalating and worse, having gotten away with it has encouraged him.

My mother has severe Alzheimer's and is in care. I’m her only child, with power of attorney over financial and health matters.

I was surprised to discover that she’s extremely affluent and can afford care, plus extras, that’ll make her life easier. There’s no danger of her running out of money.

After her diagnosis, but before she became unable to make decisions for herself, she asked me to show her a copy of her holdings.

After seeing it, she commented, "Good, we can keep the girls in school." The "girls" are my daughters, her only grandchildren, both in university.

I haven't used her money for anything except care for her and presents for family at Christmas and birthdays (her sister and her sister's children).

But my daughters could use some financial help with their education. My ex-husband and I both contribute, but it's getting hard on us.

I feel that she’d want to help her grandchildren, but don't know to what extent. I want to do what’s fair and right.

Cautiously Curious

As with the preceding question, legal advice is crucial. Knowing what’s in your mother’s will is also important for this decision.

For example, if she intended to leave some money for her sister, that amount would have to remain intact.

Even if a lawyer advises that you’re within rights to take some money for your daughters’ education, because of your mother’s expressed wishes, it’s important to keep an accounting and receipts regarding what you spend on her care.

You want to be able to prove to anyone who might challenge you eventually, that she had the comfort and care, which she could afford. Also, Alzheimer’s can be a process of many years, with increased needs for a caregiver and extra requirements within a long-term care facility.

Meanwhile, your principles and intent are commendable, and most important is the time you can give to your mother even as her awareness recedes.

FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend who won’t pay for gifts/going out, until his partner repays an outstanding loan (April 18):

Reader – “I’ve been married for 20+ years to someone who refuses to consider our finances. She just spends. When she stayed home with kids, I worked a low-paying entry-level job. Her everyday activity involved going out with the kids and spending $20. But within two weeks, it depleted a quarter of my take-home pay.

“She’s slightly better now, but still thinks it’s okay to put stuff on a credit card if there’s not enough in the bank.

“I’ve been hounded for years to put an expensive vacation on credit when we barely manage each month.

“So what’s this woman spending her money on that it’s taken her seven years to pay him back? Perhaps he’s trying to teach her that when you owe a debt, you can’t afford things you don’t need.”