I’ve been dating a widower for 10 months. Five months after losing his wife of 40 years, he’d started dating a long-ago workmate.

He’s mentioned buying her clothes, jewelry, painting her house, giving her cash, and taking her on a week’s cruise.

He stated she never paid for anything. He was always taking her out for meals. She almost never cooked.

He said she never asked him to buy her things but hinted. Yet she never acknowledged his birthday.

I’ve cooked him two or three meals weekly.

I painted my own house and he helped one evening. We also went on a cruise but I bought souvenirs for both our families.

I’ve bought things for him, too.

He finally realized that she was using him, yet feels the need to talk about her, though says that he never loved her.

In a recent blow-up I said I feel I’m being punished for the way she treated him. He admitted that he treated her much better than he does me.

He recently said that he loves me. He thanks me for everything I do for him.

Am I expecting too much by wanting him to spoil me occasionally and show me a little appreciation? I feel like the girlfriend is still on a pedestal and now he’s taking advantage of me.

Second Best?

Throw away your scorecard and gently tell him that it’s not uncommon that after losing a longtime spouse, the remaining spouse chooses companionship too quickly, and with the wrong person.

He’s with you now and happy, in a relationship that’s still growing towards secure equality.

Both of you should stop discussing or thinking about his ex, and focus on enjoying what you have together.

He does appreciate you and will do so more over time.

I’m a middle child. My late parents were divorced for 40+ years.

One sibling had a close relationship with one parent, the other with my other parent. Each parent left everything to his or her closest child.

I don't mind in one case where that sibling lived with that parent, as his spouse was in a chronic care facility.

I wasn’t invited to one sibling’s wedding because it was thought I’d be “too gay. “

I’ve been openly gay since age 18.

My other sibling kept everything from the one parent’s will, without sharing.

There’s been no communication between siblings for five years.

I told both that I’d legally changed my name because of the childhood abuse I’d suffered from one parent. I was told they were also abused.

I’ve tried to have contact with one sibling’s child, now 25, but it was always forbidden.

How do I move forward when I want to have this relationship and it’s still blocked?

I’ve seen my one sibling who lives nearby cross the road and look away just so they don't have to speak with me.

Lost in the Middle

Parental abuse leaves lasting scars and family dysfunction, among those who haven’t sought professional therapy or other healing.

As the sibling most evolved and willing to confront these issues, seek counselling about how the abuse and family divisions are affecting your present life.

Also, at least one sibling may be toxic to your well being, due to bigotry. As for the sibling’s now-adult child, send an occasional card and/or email to show your interest.

But focus on the positives in your life, the friends you can trust, while you explore how to move past hurts and resentments with professional guidance.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband “embellished” all his stories beyond actual facts:

(April 2):

Reader #1 – “I wonder if she’s married to a controller.

“She says he gets "furious" if she mentions his embellishments and refuses to listen to her because he’s "sure" he’s right.

“Makes me wonder – does he participate as a partner in this marriage, or does he just run it as a dictatorship?

“I've had past experience being married to Mr. Always Right, which I ended after he started staying out all night.

“When I asked where he’d been, he said it was none of my business.”

Reader #2 – “I wonder why the wife feels so strongly that she has to be “right” at the expense of belittling her husband in public?

“In a social setting, being entertaining is far more important than being factually correct.

“Also, just because she’s certain she’s right, doesn't mean she is.”