I'm 21, in love with my boyfriend of one year. We moved in together within months and soon bought a home together. I've given up my dream to live in various cities in order to build a life with him in my hometown.

Recently though, I've been having doubts. Outside information's poisoning my thoughts. My mother's been a horrible example my entire life; I'm scared of ending up like her, in a loveless marriage.

The media doesn't help, stating what I should or shouldn't be doing at my age. I love him and we work on our problems together, but I'm scared to tell him how I feel about this. Can I stop the contradicting voices in my head?

Confused

Two important guidelines for sharing your life with someone: 1) Speak up. Never be "scared" to tell the person you love about your feelings. 2) Share your dreams. Rather than "give up" personal goals, re-assess them along with your partner, through different phases of life together.

IF you can do these, then you have a real partner - and a true foundation.

Your mother's marriage reflects her choice of partner, his reactions, their era, etc. YOUR life and relationships don't have to resemble hers, so long as you don't fall into patterns you saw in the past.

It's what you take from the media that matters. If you're confident that this is a long-term relationship, and if you understand that it takes work - more than one compromise of living in your hometown - you're on solid footing.

And if he's also communicating openly and compromising when needed, then you both have the necessary maturity for this commitment.

My husband has a long-term chronic illness; I've been his sole caregiver for 17 years. Lately he's turned verbally and physically abusive towards me if I don't do exactly what he wants, his way, ''RIGHT NOW!"

How can I change things short of leaving? Our children provide no help. A nurse arrives weekly to bandage whatever he's hurt; a gentleman showers him twice a week.

I see a psychiatrist regularly but the pills he prescribed bother my stomach. My husband doesn't take his pills on time, doesn't eat properly, and doesn't do any exercise. I'm 55 and feel much older. I've asked for extra help but have been told I'm not entitled!

I feel so overwhelmed and am fed up with his threats of bodily harm. I only stay because of my pets.

Wit's End

You're more than overwhelmed - you're at risk and need to seek reasonable, workable, humane ways of improving this situation.

While fleeing sounds appealing (and can be temporarily necessary), it's not going to be a comfortable choice after years of care-giving and the sense of commitment you've had until now.

Consider the logical alternatives: 1) Look into getting your husband into a municipally operated nursing home, or other subsidized care facility. There are seniors' agencies and organizations that can direct you to what's available and appropriate for his needs.

2) Ask his doctor to investigate why the recent change to aggressive behaviour. It may result from his condition and can be treated; or he may have something else going on such as a tumour or other significant health change.

3) Your psychiatrist can find other meds without bad stomach effects, to help you feel more capable of making the right decision for this crisis period.

Despite that your children are unhelpful, inform them of your plans. The last thing you need is their judgment!

FEEDBACK Following are readers' suggestions for the man whose weak sperm count prevented his wife's conceiving a child (June 1 column):

Reader - "My husband had the same problem; we were told he should switch from jockey shorts to boxers, which would allow air to flow around and keep that area cooler (jockey shorts kept the area too warm). We did it, and we're the parents of three children! We've shared this information and it's worked for others with the same problem. My husband continued to wear jockey shorts and when we decided to get pregnant again, he would do the switch."

Reader - "As a Naturopathic Doctor I believe it's important to recognize there are many ways to improve the quality of sperm through nutrition, lifestyle and acupuncture.

"Also, acupuncture has been shown to improve the chances of a successful IVF transplant and pregnancy. I believe these are significant options."