My husband of 17 years was previously married and has an adult son. We have one son together, age 14. Imagine my shock when recently my son told me he has a sister. He'd been working in my husband's business over the summer, and his father told him about this girl.

When confronted by me, my husband said he'd already told me when we first married and I don't remember. I replied, "B.S I would NEVER have forgotten if you'd told me."

He said that shortly before his first marriage he had a relationship with a woman who became pregnant. The child was born in Canada but the mother migrated to America a year later. He didn't know where, the contact was lost. The "child" is now in her 30s.

He didn't want to talk about it further. I didn't speak to him for a week, and then I expressed how hurt and angry I was that he didn't tell me about his "daughter." He seems to think I'm jealous. I'm not! It's because HE DID NOT TELL ME.

I asked my son, when alone together, if he'd seen a picture of his "sister." He said his dad has an album on his desk at work with pictures of her when she was a baby, when she graduated high school. He'd called her on the phone so the boy could talk to her. This tells me that he's been in contact with her for some time. I retreated again.

I'm so upset that I'm thinking of divorcing him. I know it sounds drastic but if he can keep this from me for 17 years, it makes me wonder what other secrets (which impact me and my child) he has.   I've shared this with three close friends but I need an unbiased opinion.

Shocked

Weigh the quality of the past 17 years against these last weeks of surprise, shock, and anger. While your husband was terribly wrong in keeping this secret from you, he undoubtedly had very mixed emotions including fear of your reaction and mistrust.

If he's been loving, trustworthy, responsible all these years, have some understanding for his dilemma. On the one hand, he accepted his role in fathering this child and did keep some contact. Maybe he feared you'd resent this contact, disallow it, believe there was still some affection for the mother, etc.

Divorce IS drastic, unless you were already having problems and growing apart. Instead, you two would benefit from counselling, to discover why he didn't trust you enough to tell you. That's the important secret now.

I'm fairly outgoing, liking to get out and do many different things. My boyfriend often doesn't want to go places. I'm okay with it. I don't like to persuade someone to do things. However, he then expects me not to go. I'm becoming bored and resentful.

Before I met him I went to Las Vegas every two years. He now expects me to not go. How should I handle this? I lost family and friends and feel life's passing me by.

Sidelined

If the issue is Boyfriend vs. Vegas, you go sometimes, stay back others. But when it's Life's Passing vs. Stick-in-Mud, the answer requires serious considerations.

What do you love about him that keeps you together? Is it worth missing out on family events and friendships, or can you compromise? If not, his controlling behaviour is negating your needs, and that's not healthy, long-term.

My husband and I have been married since 1991 and we immigrated to North America in 2001. Our marriage is going south and I feel that we should try some couple counseling ASAP. My husband agrees.

As immigrants, I'm not even sure what type of professional I'm looking for or where to look. Also, during last year my husband was unemployed so, currently, money is tight. Are there inexpensive resources for us?

Seeking

"Couples counselling," also called marriage counselling or marital therapy, is what you want. Depending on your immigrant background, there may be community agencies that offer affordable counselling, or pastoral counselling from a faith leader in that community.

Otherwise, the Yellow Pages for your area and/or an Internet search will list counselling services through Marriage Counselling, or a Family Services Association or a Therapists' Association.

Ask ahead whether there's a fee adjusted for income, or about other aspects of payment.