Dear Readers - Part Two of my readers' survey asking, To Tell or Not to Tell on a Cheater, delves deeper into the feelings of the person who's been betrayed:

Reader - "My wife had a six-month affair; when I found out, it almost physically and mentally destroyed me. Three years out, we're reconciled. However, every one of her friends who were aware of her affair was somehow complicit in her activities, and has been cut from both our lives.

"They were not friends of our marriage. I'll never again speak to anyone who knew me and acted normally with me, while fully knowing my wife was rutting with another man.

"However, the one person to whom we'll both be eternally grateful is her one lifelong friend who forced her to confess, as soon as that friend learned of the affair: "Either you tell him, or I will - you've got 24 hours." We both cherish this person, the only one who helped save our marriage.

"Don't underestimate the total devastation that an affair causes to most betrayed spouses. Many adulterous spouses - though not all - are horrified themselves by their behaviour once it's exposed and time has passed. Though my father had had an affair, I never really understood what my mother went through, until it happened to me.

"I thought my experience was unique and horrible until I read the stories and advice of thousands of others having gone through the same trauma, through www.survivinginfidelity.com."

One Man's Devastation

Reader - "I was the wife whose husband had a long-term affair which some of our friends knew about and chose not to tell me. I found out after the affair had ended and we'd tried for several years to work through the pain and betrayal, but eventually the marriage ended too.

"My husband's actions hurt me deeply, but I was also hurt that some friends knew and chose to protect his actions. Looking back, I would've preferred a friend tell me, gently and compassionately, and allow me to make the decisions affecting the future of my children and family.

"I was devastated by my husband's actions, but it hurt doubly that friends knew and didn't tell me. It felt as if they didn't care about me, my health and the health of my children (I conceived one child while the affair was ongoing)."

Multiple Betrayals

Reader - "I was dating a woman whose close friend told me there were many men whom my girlfriend had previously cheated on. And she'd been giving her phone number to other men, while we dated.

"Revealing the truth to a friend about a cheating partner can be the best thing that can happen. I'd purchased an engagement ring and might otherwise have married her!"

Gratefully Informed

Reader - "I would've given anything if someone had told me about my husband's affair. An anonymous note would've at least alerted me to the possibility without incriminating the messenger.

"Instead I wasted seven years of my life wondering what was wrong with my husband. He increasingly withdrew, claiming depression and mid-life crisis - all believable. I suffered those years, in addition to being blown out of the water when he left.

"I'm still struggling with the betrayal of my partner of 29 years, father of my children and "best friend." In my first medical appointment following his shocking departure, my doctor brought me face to face with another possibility: sexual transmitted disease."

Continued Pain

FEEDBACK Here are more of the TELL responses, from the "messenger's" viewpoint:

Reader - "Tell. If there's strong evidence of the cheating, I'd rather lose a friend and see them safe, enjoying their children and maybe a better life after cleaning up the damage of a split, rather than see the anguish of a friend facing a life-threatening sexually-transmitted disease.

"With early intervention the cheated-on spouse can get medical tests and early treatment if necessary.

"However, the information must be carefully communicated in the most sensitive way, offering any support possible, such as suggestions and referrals to counsellors, doctors, social workers as well as lawyers who can advise how to proceed with minimal damage to all."

Reader - "Tell. Sometimes cheating's a form of emotional abuse - it humiliates the other partner, makes them feel insecure, and creates smoke and mirrors, hence confusion. It's especially destructive if it's a pattern."