I’ve been married for nine years. We have two sons, aged five and two. We’ve had a difficult relationship, with financial, physical, and emotional abuse. He currently sleeps on the couch.

I care about him, but don’t love him like I used to. He’s medically unable to work due to a back injury. He’s supposed to get income support, but they’re refusing to pay him, despite his doctor's notes.

I’m the sole provider, and I don’t make a lot of money. I often feel resentful because he’s unable to help financially even a little bit. He’s a smoker, and I refuse to buy cigarettes. I know it’s wrong, and feel guilty to want someone out of the house for having an illness. I don't want to separate, as I fear the effect on my kids.

But not having him around would be so much easier financially and emotionally.

I don’t trust him. We don't ever go out together, or as a family. Mostly, I’m holding onto this relationship for the kids, and so he doesn't end up homeless. I’m torn about what to do.

Confused

Don’t muddle the issues together; focus on one at a time. Regarding income: Recognize that as sole provider you’ll still be required to support him financially even if legally separated.

I strongly urge you to fight for his disability income, find out why it’s been delayed or refused, and seek an advocate through a disabilities and/or workers’ organization.

Regarding emotions: You neither love him as before nor trust him. You fear the impact of separation on your kids, but you must also consider the impact of growing up in a loveless home.

“Never going out as a family” is something YOU can change. Clear the fog and think through what you really want and can handle for you and the kids. Wherever you have support – family, friends – draw on it to help lift your spirits and energy to make good decisions for the future.

My daughter’s married with two young children and lives on a street with lots of same-age kids who often play together.

There’s a mother on the street with three little boys who’s considered the "queen bee" of the street. She thrives on people rallying around her and they put her on a pedestal… something my daughter does not do.

My daughter’s a stay-at-home mom. This woman organizes weekly get-togethers on the driveway and texts most of the other neighbours to join in, except for my daughter.

If it weren’t for the kids, it wouldn't bother her. How can she handle this situation so that her children can be included?

I’ve suggested she text her and ask why she’s mean to her kids. But my daughter doesn’t want to give her that importance.

Why are women so mean to each other and take out whatever issues they have with adults on the children?

Need Direction

Sorry Mom, but that’s not a good suggestion - to set up further conflict by calling this woman “mean” to her face.

Far better for her to disarm the woman and approach her pleasantly, saying how great it is that the kids get along and like each other. She should also invite the woman’s children over to her place, though not at a conflicting time.

This other woman may even feel as put-off and disliked as your daughter does, since nothing’s been said overtly.

Learning early to rise above such pettiness is something your daughter will benefit from for years. And in many other situations.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young man under pressure in University (Sept. 5):

Reader – “At the start of his second year of university, my son said he didn’t like the program or the university. He wanted some time off.

“I agreed. I said it was better to be honest - especially with so much time and money involved, as well as his happiness and well being.

“He worked for a year, and thought about his future. He then chose a different university (where he could live at home) and a completely different course of study. The program was a success, he got a good job, worked for several years, returned for a graduate degree and now has an excellent job. He’s been living independently since finishing his first degree, and happy in his work and life.”

Ellie – Great encouragement for all those many students who need a second chance to find their way.