My partner and I have been together for six years, and wish to marry soon. My parents split when I was little; Mum’s second husband abused me for years, which only came out when I was late teens.
After a short break-up, they got back together and I moved away. Mum’s carried on like nothing happened... it’s a big secret.
Most people realize I don’t like him, but don’t know why. I still have a good relationship with Mum but I don’t speak to her husband.
I WILL NOT have him at my wedding. I won’t feel comfortable in my wedding gown in front of him, and we won’t feel that our daughter is safe with him around.
However, I don’t know how to tell Mum he isn’t welcome. She’s into forgive and forget – I can’t, and don’t want to.
How do I tell her, and explain his absence to other family members?

- Agitated in Australia

Mum’s behaviour seems based more on forget than forgiving… reflecting her own denial and embarrassment. Her husband’s clearly not gotten professional help, since you still fear for your daughter.
Tell Mum you cannot abide having the man who abused you at your wedding. Say that if she has true forgiveness in her, she’ll understand and accept your feelings, not just his. But be prepared that her concern for what others think might cause her to say she won’t attend either.
If so, note that she’s once more ignoring the fact that it’s this man who created a hideous situation for you all, when he violated her child.
If she attends alone, you can both tell anyone who asks that her husband wasn’t feeling normal – it’s a truth that began a long time ago.

My girlfriend of several months is verbally rude and disrespectful to me to me. I’ve told her I don’t like it, but she doesn’t seem to care.
My son, 7, gets very hurt by the things she calls me. She’s a very aggressive person. We used to fight a lot about my son; she expects too much of him and is over-disciplinary.
She gets very upset if things aren’t her way. She says it’s “our” way but it’s just hers, so with the hostility and name-calling and running me down as a parent, I just stopped listening.
I have sole custody (his mother takes him on weekends sometimes). We’re currently expecting a child. I want the hostility to end and for her to talk to me respectfully, as this hostility just makes me disregard anything she says.

- Not Respected

Rudeness and disrespect don’t just “go away.” You DO need to listen, and take a stand - to protect your son, and your own emotional health. And, to try to create a happier household to welcome the baby.
If she were not pregnant, I’d say re-think your entire relationship. In this case, I say work on it, and try to get your girlfriend to see that unless she also makes an effort toward compromise, you’re both accepting a tense, volatile situation that’s bound to implode.
Without marital counselling, there’s little chance you’ll agree to find common ground… otherwise, it’s likely you’ll be the one to continually cave in to her bullying, which is unhealthy for everyone.
Insist on therapy; tell her it’s the way for you both to air out your differences, discuss different parenting strategies, and find ways to handle a life together with far less stress for all.

My mother-in-law always gets her way; she’s rarely challenged by family members who she “uses and abuses.”
She makes demands, lies, steals, and keeps secrets from her husband.
She makes people feel guilty, and spins the blame for everything.
If you disagree even nicely, she freezes you out and acts the victim.
We don’t want to exclude her from our lives, but my husband and I can’t take her games.
How do you deal with someone so emotionally messed up?!

- Fed Up

She’s not likely to change substantially, so change your own reactions.
Since you know what to expect, don’t get caught in her “games.” Example: Disagree when necessary; otherwise, don’t bother and carry on as you would anyway.
Ignore her guilt trips and blaming; change the subject.
Limit your visits to a few hours weekly, and include activities like getting out, shopping or eating, to divert her and lessen her impact.