Whenever we’re together with my friend of 20 years, she’s rude to her in-laws, or short-tempered with her parents, and often gets into arguments with her husband, all in front of our family. We’re embarrassed and don’t know how to react. It’s not a great environment to be in for ourselves, or our children. 

What should we do in these situations?

- Embarrassed Friend

After 20 years, you should be able to have a confidential, caring conversation with her, on her own. Explain that you didn’t want to embarrass her by reacting at the time, but that you feel awkward, as does your family, when she’s rude to her relatives in your presence. 

It’s a fine line to walk, to not sound judgmental, but if you care for the friendship, you’ll need to add that while her relationships are her own business, she exposes them to all in a way that makes everyone uncomfortable.

Moreover, she’d likely have far more success with handling her family problems if she dealt with them privately.

Frankly, if this friendship isn’t of huge value to you, I’d say it’s time someone let her know that her own rudeness is the main message she’s telegraphing, and it’s a turn-off to being in her company.

After a whirlwind courtship, we got engaged; my parents arranged an extended family party. At this event, a few family members “grilled” my fiancé about his job, background, etc. I later learned that they contacted all of my fiancé’s former and current employers to verify the information he’d provided.  

My fiancé is very hurt, and I’m furious. My parents are telling us to “let it go” and “be the bigger people” but I’m finding it very hard to do so.

I know these people are very stubborn, and won’t admit that this was a complete violation of my fiancé’s privacy. My parents want us to put family unity above all, and my fiancé never wants to associate with those relatives again.

Several weddings are coming up (and these family members will be attending), and my parents are pressuring us to attend. I feel it’s an injustice to my fiancé and want to stand up for him, especially since my family has a notorious history of treating outsiders like crap. Yet I love my parents.

How do I not alienate them?

- Outraged

Negotiate and compromise: Discuss with your parents the opportunity for them to come on side with you and your fiancé, so that you can all attend these functions with pride. Say that since they are the relatives who matter most to you, and you to them, that is the “family unity” which is primary. It’s also what’s at stake if they continue to permit this unhealthy family history of disrespect. 

Instead, they should be the ones who tell other family members that they accept and love your fiancé as part of their immediate family, and insist he’s to be treated respectfully.

If Mom and Dad can’t stand up for YOU, they’re teaching you that the only way to break the cycle is for you and your partner to decide for yourselves just who is worth acknowledging as relatives. And undermining snoops simply don’t qualify.

My husband’s bills are addressed to his parents’ home where we used to live. So his father checks our spending, and criticizes us. How can I tell him to back off our business?

- Annoyed

Re-direct all mail, and your business, to your own home.

I fall for the wrong guys. I’ve been having a four-year affair with a married co-worker. During this, my teenage child died in a car accident. 

Last year, I gave birth to our son. But I still hear, “We'll be together someday, not right now” (he hates to leave his other child).

Now he and his partner are buying a house. But I can’t let go.

- LOST

I’m sorry for your loss. Please look in the mirror and see yourself - a single, working mom with responsibility for a child who needs stability along with love, yet allows herself to get “lost” in bad choices. 

You KNOW this guy isn’t leaving home for you… you’ve both played a losing game with no winner. Say good-bye, and get counselling. A therapist will help you deal with your grief, and whatever else wrongly lets you behave as if you deserve this little.