My teenage daughter likes to push the boundaries. If she’s not allowed to do it, she’ll go out of her way to do it even if whatever “it” is isn’t something she’s interested in. My wife and I have tried talking to her, punishing her, congratulating her when she didn’t do “it” – all to no avail. She’s just not learning.

A little bit of teenage rebellion is healthy but I’m starting to wonder if there’s something else going on that we don’t know about. I’m wondering if she has a learning disability or behaviour issue that has yet to be diagnosed and this is how it’s manifesting. My wife doesn’t agree; she simply thinks it’s normal teenage behaviour.

How can we help our daughter and see if there’s something underlying?

Teenage Dad

I think you’re probably both right, from your more in-depth description. As I am not a child psychologist, I would advise you to make an appointment with your pediatrician. As a medical doctor, he/she could have a professional conversation with your daughter and then advise accordingly.

In the meantime, have a calm, nonconfrontational talk with your daughter and your wife, together, about expectations, limitations, boundaries and rules. Put them in writing, stick them up on the fridge (old school, I know), stick to them, inform your daughter of the consequences (each appropriate) if she doesn’t meet them, and enforce them.

Children need boundaries and an understanding of consequences. Not as a form of control, but as protection. All of the parenting you do from birth onward provides the building blocks for their foundation, so they can learn how to make the best choices.

My wife bought me a running outfit for my birthday. She knows I like to run, so on the one hand, it was a thoughtful gift. However, she also knows me well (we’ve been married 10 years) and knows that I am a discreet kind of guy. I basically just wear black shorts, or leggings when it’s cold, and a plain t-shirt. If it’s sweat-wicking, then great, but I’m not that bothered.

The outfit she bought me consists of bright red leggings and a white T-shirt with a HUGE yellow logo across the front. Both pieces are absolutely hideous and nothing I would ever wear, not even to a costume party.

I don’t want to be rude, but what was she thinking?

Gift Gone Wrong

I’m pleased that you started by stating something positive, which is that the gift was thoughtful in a sense. You’re right – she could have bought you golf clubs, which is a sport you don’t play.

It does seem odd that she went so far off the mark of your basic design taste, assuming, as you mentioned, that she knows you well after being married for a decade.

But in the end, does it really matter why her gift was so off the mark? No, it doesn’t. Thank her for the thoughtful gift of running gear. Then explain that the colours are a bit bright for you and you’d prefer different colours. Ask her for the gift receipt and exchange the items for something that suits you.

Here’s a fun idea: create a list somewhere (online, shared document) where you and your wife (and eventually children) put down anything and everything you would love to receive. Then, next time there’s an occasion for gift-giving, just glance at the list and choose.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman feeling guilty after her roommate died by suicide (May 8):

Reader – “I read your column in the Hamilton Spectator, in which a woman wrote about feeling guilty because a former flat mate died by suicide, long after they had parted ways.

“Your response that she was not guilty was empathic and appropriate.  You encouraged her to talk to a therapist.  For many people, it can be very difficult to access a therapist, due to cost or long wait-lists for publicly funded counsellors.  I encourage you to recommend resources and information for survivors of suicide loss available on the website of the Canadian Association for Suicide Prevention.

“Suicide loss is unfortunately common, and there are recognized normal reactions to suicide loss.  CASP offers helpful information to support grief.  Support for People Living with Loss - Canadian Association For Suicide Prevention.  I hope you will suggest this website to help the author understand she is not alone, and her feelings of guilt are understandable.”

Professional, MD, FRCPC, FCPA

Lisi – Thank you for this information. This is a very helpful website for those who need it.