My wife and I are in our early 40's and have two kids. Some time ago we became sexually incompatible.

My wife raised the bar for me, demanding sex in at least two positions, lasting at least five minutes.

I failed to live up to her new expectations and our relationship became strained.

She pressured me for an open marriage so she can have sexual encounters with other men and get what she wants.

I gave in to the pressure and agreed to just calm things down at home. However, I feel extremely uncomfortable with this new reality.

I have only two options – either accept open marriage or divorce. My wife tells me she loves me and wants our marriage and family together.

Desperately Uncertain

You’ve both missed the first option: Talk openly about why she felt your sex life was lagging and learn ways to boost it.

There are good sex-information books explaining varied positions, including Dr. Alex Comfort’s revised The Joy of Sex and the illustrated Kama Sutra.

Also, Viagra and some other medications (if approved for you by your doctor) can enhance sexual endurance and improve erection.

Allowing her (under pressure) to have sex with other men opens the door to jealousy, resentment, and the potential for sexually transmitted infections for you both.

A sex therapist can guide you two to a more satisfying sexual relationship for staying together.

I’m an elderly gay man partnered to a younger man of a different race.

Recently we went on a Caribbean cruise but didn’t draw attention to our sexual orientation.

One breakfast, we were seated with a group of people who initially didn’t acknowledge us in any way.

We found this rude and possibly racist but ate breakfast and didn’t engage with them.
When I reached for a croissant, one of the men leaned over and leered, asking “Is that what they call a cream puff?” He was obviously alluding to my sexual orientation.

I calmly responded that it was a croissant, a French name for that type of pastry.

He sneered as his wife tapped his arm to shut him up.
For the rest of the cruise I was trying to think of a better clever retort.

My gut reaction was to sucker punch him in the face, but I’m far too civilized. Was I right to steer the conversation back as if it was a genuine question and ignore the ignorance behind it?

I feel that I let him win in some way.

A Better Response?

The sucker punch would’ve been momentarily satisfying…. unless you were asked to leave the cruise or ended up badly hurt.

Also, it’s unwise to take on someone when you’re outnumbered by their friends.

Is there a comfortable and effective way to respond to homophobic and racist (or other discriminatory) slurs?

Unfortunately, it’s often not possible in a social situation, especially when the brute ignorance is backed by a group.

Better to make official or legal complaints, where appropriate.

For example, you could’ve sent an email (keeping a copy) to the cruise manager and the travel agency that booked you, repeating the incident and the man’s taunt.

Your report would suggest that such a person should be listed in their files as someone who’s not a candidate to be welcomed as a guest among a diverse clientele.

But your reply at the time was controlled, intelligent, and yet dismissive all at once. Even his wife must’ve seen how you bested him. He won nothing.

I want a boyfriend but no one likes me enough. My mom says I'm old enough for one, and I got asked out, but the boy (my crush) chickened out!

I know I'm pretty, smart, polite, and likeable, but how do I get a boyfriend?

Ready But Alone

You’re on the brink of many adventures that include more than a boyfriend, since you bring a very healthy sense of yourself to new people and experiences.

Plus, you have your mother’s faith in your ability to handle new situations like having a boyfriend.

Fourteen is only “old enough” for a boyfriend if you know how to choose decent guys who are respectful.

The fact that your crush chickened out is a good sign if he’s shy. You don’t want to date a know-it-all or pushy guy.

Let him know you’re okay with being friends and not going out till he’s ready. He’ll appreciate that.