Recently, my boyfriend and I had our best friends over for dinner (they’re married with a baby). He had to leave briefly and they kept talking about how happy he is with me.
When he returned, we upped the alcohol to drugs and I had a really bad trip.
I thought I heard him tell his friend to take pictures of me while I was sleeping and that he could touch me.
I kept opening my eyes and no one was moving around but it felt so crazy to me.
The next day he left for Mexico and I was alone for a week. I detoxed and was feeling better when he returned.
Last night we were with our roommates and he thought I wasn’t looking but he started mouthing something to the guy, pointed at me, and made the signal for sleep.
When I confronted him, he gave me a mini-lecture about how he understands that I’m a bit insecure.
Today, we had lunch with our best friends and he whispered something to the woman and pointed at me.
When asked, she said he was just telling her about who was coming for dinner.
Am I crazy for not believing anything anyone’s telling me right now? I feel like something’s going on and I hate it.
When he gets drunk or high, he’s always the same guy, just more hyper or a little more sensitive.
But lately he’s been pushing some boundaries (e.g. I like to be man-handled in bed but he play-slapped me today in public.)
He hasn’t crossed the line but I feel so paranoid. He’s good at making me believe everything he says.
He tells me everything that's going on or what he's thinking (e.g. we’ve discussed a threesome. I don't ever feel he would cheat on me)
I want to love him because he’s given me so much that my own parents haven’t given me.
P.S. There’s a significant age difference and a history of pushing mental limits with drugs on both our parts.
I can’t lose him: he's my mentor, my family, my support and my happiness/strength when I'm about to give in to my demons.
Am I Paranoid?
You need more help than a one-off response to this situation.
You have a relationship of co-dependency on each other – you need his support, and he needs to control you.
You both complicate the relationship through excesses of alcohol, drugs, rough-play sex, and ramping up the risks in all three areas.
No one should slap you, not in private OR public. Either way, it can get out of hand.
You got over your bad drug trip, so the whispering, pointing, etc. is real, not imagined. You don’t know what “game” he has in mind and that’s truly worrisome.
He may’ve been good for you when you needed it most, but you’re clearly older now and rightfully unsure where all this is going.
That’s because he’s always in control of what you do, and even what you think. He uses his age difference for power over you. That’s not safe for you.
Do not accept that this is all “insecurity” on your part. Insist on getting straight answers you can believe.
If his response is threatening or more physical, plan a safe way to leave him, at the very least for a break.
You also need personal counselling which is accessible through a local YWCA, community agency, or women’s shelter.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man’s discovery of his father’s “secret” child (Dec. 3):
Reader – “Imagine the sadness of a child rejected at age eight, by his own father.
“How much courage it took for him, now an adult, to reach out to his half-brother.
“With counselling guidance, this man should be encouraged to meet his new half-brother.
“As for telling his mother... if her husband has passed, she wouldn’t get any closure and yet would struggle with the knowledge.
“If the father’s alive, the son should say he owes it to her to ask for her forgiveness.
“He needs to also be told to forgive himself, so he can be father to the boy he abandoned.
“Exploring a relationship with this half-brother doesn’t mean this man condones his father's actions, nor that he’s betraying his mother.
“He’s showing compassion.
“What’s to be gained is something potentially wonderful once the shock, hurt, and fear has lessened... a brother.”
Tip of the day:
When a couple’s dynamic includes control/dependency, plus drugs and alcohol, abuse will very likely follow.