My problem is my own doing. I have two men in my life whom I care about very much. One is my husband of six years.
The other’s my co-worker, with whom I’ve been having a two-year affair.
I love them both but they’re both financial idiots, which drives me crazy.
My husband smokes so much weed that it’s hard for us to live because of all the money that goes towards that.
The other’s a tech addict who has to have the newest video game system, limited edition games, and toys, etc.
I want to leave my husband. My boyfriend asked me to move in with him. I'd be leaving one financial hell for another, on top of the debt I'll already take on in the divorce.
I’ve spoken to both about their issues and both think there’s no issue. Meanwhile, my boyfriend, 26, still lives with his mom!
I feel like my life is out of control.
Yes, your life is out of control and the main issue is you.
You already know that both men are immature, self-indulgent, and irresponsible financially. A trade from one to the other is a lose-lose. Eventually, you’ll need to leave your boyfriend, too.
So what makes you keep selecting guys who aren’t capable of being true partners?
I urge you to get a grip on your own self-indulgence (emotionally/sexually) through individual counselling.
Insist on a share of your husband’s weed money – tell him you’ll leave him otherwise – and spend it on a therapist to deal with your living without self-control and self-esteem.
My mother was verbally and psychologically abusive, leaving me with the inability to express my feelings when I'm being mistreated.
I’ve been repeatedly told in the past that my feelings aren't valid, that I'm irrational, manipulative, and evil.
Now, nine years after I left home, I'm in a serious relationship. My partner’s a good person. But during much of our relationship, he didn’t treat me well.
I've tried to voice what I need and deserve, but it takes me a long time to determine whether my feelings are valid and rational.
So I bring up situations long after the fact, when overwhelmed by emotion. My partner’s then caught off guard.
I became jealous recently when I learned how wonderfully he’d treated his past relationships.
I’d been constantly asking to feel loved, and trying to make him happy, but getting no reciprocation.
I’ve since learned that he was changed by heartbreak. It’s so unfair that I was the one who then had to suffer for it.
Recently, he’s started to treat me lovingly. But I still cry often from painful memories of how he treated me previously.
He’s sorry for it, but doesn't understand why I'm so sad about things that happened so long ago.
Am I being unfair by mourning the past and being jealous of women I've never met? How can I move on to appreciate the great things happening in my relationship now?
Stuck in the Past
Abuse leaves scars, just as he experienced through his past heartbreak. Explain this to him, so he’ll have greater compassion for your past pain.
Then it’s up to you to actively choose the present, and the happiness you now see is possible.
Recognize that none of your mother’s abuse was your fault. You were an innocent child.
Erase the memories as best you can, with intent and determination. You may need therapy to help you learn strategies to do this.
My dance coach changed my part, putting me in the back for our upcoming competition.
Before, she’d put me in the front, with a 30-second solo.
Then, another girl no longer wanted to be part of a number and left, affecting the original choreography.
It’s unfair that my coach took away what I’ve been rehearsing for six months. My part’s now something a six-year-old could do.
My coach noticed my disappointment and anger through my not dancing full out or with any emotion. She said that if I contributed negativity to the team, I’d not be allowed to compete with them.
How should I fix my relationship with her?
It’s a team competition, not your private recital. Your coach had to re-create the choreography, affecting everyone, not just you.
Now’s your chance to show maturity, which she’ll respect and remember, by apologizing and saying you want to help the team win.
Then dance full out!
Tip of the day:
If you keep choosing irresponsible partners, only you can fix your “problem.”