I’m getting married in mid-October, and would like to invite my ex-boyfriend. He has a girlfriend for the past few years, and she hates me because she believes that during the first early months they were together, I was trying to win him back. I was single then, so I was calling and wanting to see him more often.  

There was also a time about a year into their relationship when I was drunk at a bar and apparently she saw me try to kiss him. We were supposed to stop communicating on a regular basis after that, but we still remain in contact, which she knows.

When addressing the invitation to him, is it rude to put his name plus a guest, instead of putting her name on the invitation? They’re not living together.

- Proper Form

Yes, it’s rude, disrespectful, and signals trouble making, since she’s bound to be personally insulted and believe that’s just what you intended. She’ll likely insist that he not attend. So if your purpose is to share your happiness with an old friend, it’s not going to happen. 

If, however, your real intent is having your ex see you in a wedding dress and feel sorry you’re marrying another, it’s a crummy plan. These two are a couple, and you know it.

If you intend to stay friends with the guy after you’re married, you need to reach out a friendly hand to his girlfriend (given her reasons to suspect you). Along with a wedding invitation – with her name printed on the envelope, too - there should be a follow-up phone call from you saying that you’d love to have them both there.

We’ve been married for 20 years, but living apart for 12; after the birth of my first child we were having problems, so I moved out. Times got better, and though still separated, I had two more children with him. 

Now, I can’t even stand being in the same room as him. He’s been giving a false sense of hope to the children about us getting back together. When we fight over this and I answer him back in a snarky way, he blames my behaviour for causing the family rift.

Meanwhile, he’s a conniving liar who tells false stories about me and our past relationship to friends and family, including the children. He also keeps tabs on me, questioning everywhere we go, even asking the neighbours where we went.

I’ve never bad-mouthed him to the children, yet he recently called me a stupid whore who’s sleeping around, in front of them.

I’ve been wanting a divorce for months but I’m emotionally drained and need to know if it’ll hurt my kids.

- Worn Down

From your limited details, it appears you’ve been uncomfortably allowing this messy situation because you feared your estranged husband’s reaction to a divorce. But your prolonged, hostile separation has been a mistake for far too long. 

Though divorce has its emotional and financial impact, it can be far easier for children to handle, and for adults to move on with their lives, than dealing with a dragged-out relationship that yo-yo’s from antipathy to occasional coupling, which confuses everyone involved.

You need to clear the emotional fog with a reality sweep: Talk to a lawyer to learn your rights; and talk to a family therapist to guide the children through changes.

Most important, get counselling yourself to deal from self-knowledge and strength, not just weariness and resentment.

I’ve been in a relationship for four years, depressed most of the time, but am currently in therapy. We have no intimacy.  

I discovered he’s had an emotional affair with an ex, via email and phone. He’s unwilling to deal with his past.

He says he loves me and if he really wanted to go, he would.

However he also says that he knows I’ll never leave him, so he can do whatever he wants.

- To Stay or Go

Go, when you feel emotionally able to handle being on your own. It’s not his emotional affair that’s got you down; it’s the whole relationship. It’s based on you accepting anything this guy dishes out, or withholds. 

You need to look after yourself – which he’s been doing throughout – and focus on your therapy and possibly medication too, to lift out of the depression. That’s when you’ll make better, self-respecting choices.