I’m newly married to a great woman, whose big weakness is huge motherly love for a son, 13, who’s extremely lazy, irresponsible and selfish, and a disrespectful, arrogant brat. He still leaves a mess in the toilet! 

She admits that despite her hopes, deep inside she knows he’s beyond remedy... but then suddenly changes and says the poor boy needs more chances, support and bonding from us.

But if I try to bond, he’s scheming to create trouble.

I figure he wants mom all to himself, though I sincerely tried to win his affection. Not anymore.

I frankly think he only loves himself, and clings to mom because she takes care of everything.

She admits a group home should be a proper solution eventually.

He’s also depressed with bouts of extreme, unjustified anger.

He’s a threat to my marital happiness.

What are the odds of a messy, defiant, tricky youngster suddenly becoming a decent, responsible person, even with counselling help provided?

- Doubtful

The odds would be unlimited if he had firm boundaries set by encouraging, caring, and respectful parents, instead of a mother being pressured by his pessimistic, critical, and detached stepfather. 

Summon the courage and commitment to change your attitude towards your wife’s thankfully strong devotion (what did you think maternal love was all about?), and towards this youngster. He’s experiencing the hurts and fears of scary change.

The whole family needs counselling.

You married a mother and son, not just a woman.

Your wife needs to stop feeling divided and know that helping her son is a priority.

The boy needs therapy for his anger and depression, plus parental expectations based on mutual respect. Example: he earns his allowance through chores, including cleaning the bathroom once weekly; it’ll help him remember to flush.

Recently, I was accused of being too judgmental and critical, when I was just stating facts. 

Why is it that family members can stay whatever they want, but as a non-related family member, I can’t say a word?

- Hurt and Confused

Family members usually develop a pattern around their problems; as a non-relative, the pattern may appear illogical to you, but if it works for them, keep mum. 

If it interferes with your life in negative ways, speak up with solutions, not facts.

My husband and I both have young teenage children from previous marriages. 

He has his daughters half the time and I love them. But their mother badmouths my husband and me and has even called children’s services (who visited and had no concerns) and tells mutual friends that I hit my children.

She’s screamed at us on the phone and left vile messages.

His oldest daughter ignores the drama, but there’s tension between his youngest and me because every time something happens at our house, she tells her mother which leads to more screaming calls.

I came into the picture two years after they divorced, yet she calls me “the whore” and tries to convince the girls that we favour my children.

- Wit’s End

Keep being the loving stepmother you are, and help the younger girl feel less divided loyalty by not commenting on her mother’s outbursts. 

It’s normal for her to think her mother must be right about some things, or she’d be far more troubled. As she matures, she’ll figure out how things really are, much as her sister has done… so long as you don’t change your kind attitude, nor blame her for her mother’s reactions.

I’m 27, and cannot stop worrying. 

I’ve been diagnosed with hypertension.

I cannot register to take the one class needed to complete my bachelor’s degree until I pay tuition owing.

I live with my boyfriend; we have a child and are struggling financially.

I’m temping at a job that I’m not good at, and don’t like much.

I have no extra money for making my daughter’s birthday special.

- Always Worrying

Deal with your concerns one at a time, otherwise stress will increase your symptoms. 

Ask the temp agency for another job if possible, or stay with this one by appreciating it’s what’s bringing in the finances you need.

Try for a student loan, or hang in until you can save enough towards this last class.

Your daughter will appreciate simple “treats” that make her day special – decorated cupcakes, new coloured markers, bright hair clips, and a lot of fuss and love.