I'm 24, entering my last year of university, reasonably attractive and outgoing. I've chosen to abstain from sex until marriage, it's important to me. It's impossible, however, to find people to date who respect this.

I've been in several relationships, but after a month or two they fall apart because I'm unwilling to become sexually active.

How can I meet people who don't demand sex before marriage? When should I mention it?

I don't hold it against anyone if they've been sexually active in previous relationships; I just want to be respected in my choices.

Frustrated

Change your pattern of where you "find" dates. Join a young adults' group of a faith community that promotes abstention before marriage. Or work on finding "friends" instead of dates, whereby you share your belief system in normal discussion as you get to know each other.

You're not alone in this choice, so look for like-minded people in general, to develop connections with people who'll introduce you to more similarly minded women.

My partner and I are expecting a child. His mom would like us to get married in the future but we both feel marriage is not for us. We are happy, we plan to stay together, and marriage would not make us stay together any more than a common-law relationship does.

I consider myself a feminist and although that doesn't mean you cannot get married, I feel strongly that marriage is often done for all the wrong reasons. How can we stop his mom, who is the opposite of me (bows down to her husband), from nagging us to get married?

Our Decision

You can both tell her that your decision is mutual, and to please withhold her comments so that you can continue to include her after her grandchild arrives. But, if your behaviour towards her indicates the kind of judgment you expressed here about her choices in life, it's not surprising that she feels threatened and wants to convince you that her choice (marriage) is better than you think.

FEEDBACK Regarding the guy who verbally abused his college friend when he discovered her same-sex relationship (May 16):

Reader - "Becoming close friends didn't entitle him to expect an eventual romantic/sexual relationship. I agree that both parties are apparently vulnerable, but, since she's revealed that she's homosexual, why would she consider dating this boor?

"And what interest does he have in dating a homosexual woman? Even if she's bi-sexual, she isn't going to turn magically into a heterosexual woman.

"She was right to have not originally trusted his reaction to the news of her same-sex relationship. He's an immature bigot for lashing out at her verbally. More serious negative behaviour on his part can be readily predicted.

"I'm heterosexual, but behaviour like this would be a giant red flag to get away from him. He shows early signs of an abusive, negatively manipulative nature. He admits to having said "bad things", but shows no remorse - just a blind determination to possess her. These are early signs of a man who will abuse a woman in a relationship.

An interesting other perspective which I appreciate receiving. For me, the main message here goes beyond the particular case of this guy and his college "friend," and is this:

When anger is the way a person first reacts to information he/she doesn't like, don't ignore the warning signs. It may not necessarily lead to classic abuse, but it's still a red flag for overreactions, manipulation, and immaturity.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose in-laws visit their daughter's home and her family more than they visit her's and their son's home and children (May 16):

Reader - "Having been in a similar situation, here are alternate strategies to consider:

1) Arrange a phone date and time during which you can share news of things in your life with these in-laws (to stay connected regularly).

2) Accept that you live further away, which, particularly with aging parents, means you must make more of an effort to visit them.

3) Accept, too, that they'll often put a preferred sibling ahead of you. In my case, it was my brother. During family get-togethers, he was the first to phone asking for accommodation, etc. This usually meant we were shuttled to a hotel, at our cost. You have to come to terms with the fact that this is the cost of remaining in touch with your family.