I recently moved in with my boyfriend, though we’d not been dating long. Everything was wonderful, we got along so well.
Until two weeks ago, when I discovered I was six weeks pregnant.
When I told him he shut down and didn’t speak with me for days. Then he demanded that I abort the child as he never wants another (he already has one from a previous relationship).
I said I’d think about it, but soon decided I couldn’t go through with an abortion and I’d keep the child.
He got extremely mean and angry, including saying that he hoped the child would be disabled or die inside of me.
He then kicked me out of his apartment.
I’m sleeping on a family member’s couch.
A couple days later he apologized, but said it was him or the baby. If I chose the baby I cannot move back. I said, “Baby.”
I’ve been speaking to his ex who filled me in on his past history, including abuse and anger issues.
I know he’s not healthy for me or the child, but I’m uncertain what to do once the baby’s born.
Should I tell him he has a new son or daughter? Should I give him the chance to be a father to this child?
He’s admitted his anger issues and is willing to get counselling, but won’t if I keep the child.
Your own words are the answer: “He’s not healthy for me or the child.”
Leave it up to him to ask about the child after it’s born. He may, or he may not.
He can easily learn the gender from anyone who knows you both.
As to whether he wants the chance to be a father, far better that he comes to that conclusion himself, than you ask, and both you and the child are rejected.
Or, that his mean, nasty anger is aroused, since he’s stated he won’t seek help if you keep the child.
Before you seek any financial help from him, learn what your legal rights are to child support. Then also talk to a counsellor who’s familiar with anger issues, about how or whether to proceed.
My dad’s unemployed, recovering from an alcohol addiction, and living at my grandparents’ house.
He’s at rock bottom with no motivation to improve himself. I feel for him and want him to recover. I’ve been supportive in these past difficult years.
Now I’m in a tough spot. I started seeing a woman a couple months ago and things are going well. We may be dating seriously soon.
While introducing your partner to your parents is important to any relationship, I’m embarrassed at my dad’s current situation and state of mind.
I’d rather introduce her to my siblings and my mother who are far better examples of where I come from.
Should I introduce her to him, and how?
Conflicted but Supportive
Honesty is a trait a partner values most and says a lot about where you come from.
Introduce her to siblings and your mother for sure. Then tell her you also want her to meet your father whom you love, but he’s going through a bad time.
Tell her of the good things about him, any memories from a better past. Then explain his alcoholism and its effects on his life, as well as how you’ve stayed supportive.
A decent person who loves you will be understanding and compassionate – far more so than if she found that you hid this parent from her.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband has done a turn-around in behaviour since they separated (May12):
Reader – “My first husband and I separated last August, but lived together for another six months before we could afford separate accommodations.
“Once the decision to split was finally made, we were able to release the anger, tension, and frustration that we had with each other and our failed relationship.
“As a result, the last few months of our mutual living space, and first few months of living apart, were exceedingly sociable.
“Sometimes, the stress of the negative emotions every single day is just too much.
“I suspect this woman’s husband found himself in a more positive space since leaving his wife, and that accounts for his improved disposition.”
Ellie – Thanks for sharing this. Readers’ personal experiences with complicated relationship situations are a great help in providing insights to other readers.
Tip of the day:
When you’re already vulnerable, be extra wary of someone who’s shown anger and meanness.