I've had a "crush" on a guy for years. When his wife died 18 months ago, he and I started seeing more of each other. We've had some moments of passion as well as enjoying movies and dinners.
However, he doesn't display any affection or communicate how he feels about me (or anything else). He doesn't seem to get excited or enthusiastic about anything. I don't think it has to do with the loss of his wife... it's just how he is.
When I mentioned this, he said he doesn't want to forget that he was married for 50 years. He's in his 70s, I'm a young 60, and already feel bored and uncomfortable around him and our long silences.
I've said I want and need more handholding, cuddles, conversation, he says he's too old to change.
Even his daughter says he can be difficult and stubborn. Should I let go of this, or keep a light glowing in case he decides to adapt to something new.
Lost in Expectation
Bored and uncomfortable? Keeping the light on isn't going to change this man but it's sure going to frustrate you and destroy the relationship.
You met each other's initial needs soon after his loss -satisfying your crush and his loneliness - but he'd taken no time to absorb the end of his long marriage and partnership.
Go your own way, and let him find his. Some "change" will come naturally to him over time, and it may or may not include a desire to get back with you.
IF you're still interested, that's when you can insist that he show more affection and enthusiasm. Otherwise, you two are just not the right "fit."
Having been divorced, and then lost my second husband to cancer, I'm now in my 40s and met a wonderful man several months ago. We instantly began a close relationship.
I'm very fit, and want children. He initially said he was open to it, now it's a definite No. Marriage isn't even a consideration. Perhaps his divorce wounds are still raw; they broke up from her infidelity.
His house is over an hour from mine. We see each other every other weekend or three weekends a month. He doesn't often say he loves me though he first said it within days of meeting.
He's currently thinking about selling his house and moving in with his parents for two years to bank more money. But he doesn't plan to spend more time at my place.
I don't want to be 60 and still spending a weekend at his house or mine. I want to know there's possibility of a future, not this concrete barrier. Should I walk away or be patient?
See above. It seems women of all ages easily fall into the same mistaken thinking...."if I just hang in longer, he may change." More important, and realistic, he may NOT.
This guy's planning without you. If you're always available, he can as easily decide next to go away for two years... or whatever. Meanwhile, you're fooling yourself to think he'll want children during this time frame (which, for you, is more urgent).
End this sometime-relationship. Once he "had" you at the L-word, he hasn't tried very hard to keep you for the long-term.
Only if you show that you're not waiting for him, is it possible that he'll re-think what you have together and could have in the future. But don't count on it.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man who doesn't want to move into his high-earning fiancée's home but can't afford to share buying one at her level (March 1):
Reader - "The "fiancee" with the greater financial resources can buy a new house, in her name, for both parties to share. This way, she can continue to live in the style to which she's accustomed, without resentment by either party.
"Her partner can buy a vacation home (either in his name, or in both names), which will likely be more affordable for him. This way, should the relationship not succeed, disentanglement would be easier and more equitable. The arrangement could be revisited in the future, should they want to combine their assets into joint ownership."
Ellie - There are many practical ways to work around uneven income levels. More important is whether the couple can surmount the financial differences emotionally, sharing interests and goals.
Tip of the day:
Waiting around for people to change is a set-up for disappointment.