My friend, 35, is dating - in her words - a 44-year-old "narcissist" who emotionally tortures her.    

After six years on, and mostly off, she says she wants to break free for good, but can't. When they're apart, she says she sometimes wants to hurt herself to get his attention, but doesn't, because he probably won't notice anyway.

She's started attending support groups for women in abusive relationships, and it helps. She says she can't talk to anyone else but me, and doesn't want me to tell her brother or family that she and this man still hang out, because it'll stress them out too much.

I've been friends with her and her family for 15 years and want to help, or at least point her in the right direction.

Concerned

Offer her specific and helpful information about how to help herself, rather than let her keep telling you "the story."

It's an unhealthy relationship on both their parts. The idea of hurting herself is a huge red flag that she needs to continue with the support group, but also needs a process of personal therapy to probe why she keeps going back to this guy.

She's involved you as a lifeline to reality, but by avoiding her family, and their likely reaction or intervention, she stays attached to the "torture" and the drama.

It'll become dangerous if she crosses the line on harming herself, so direct her to counseling (a doctor or local research will help you recommend someone).

Also, suggest that her family will eventually have to get involved to protect or rescue her, if the relationship persists in this negative way.

My married daughter, 26, recently told her husband of two years that she doesn't love him and she wants a divorce.

While their relationship has been stop and start for several years, nothing extraordinary has happened this time. But now there are two children involved, ages two and nine months.

I love my daughter, but don't agree with her reasons for destroying her family. I've tried to be supportive but keep reminding her that marriage requires lots of work from both spouses in order to last. I remind her of my own history of working at my marriage for 30 years.

Without at least "trying" to keep it together with marriage counselling (he agrees, she refuses) or other means, she isn't being fair to her children or her husband. He'd like to stay together and is heartbroken.

She's asked me to stay out of it because she doesn't think it matters to me if she's "happy." Frankly, I think she's acting like a selfish brat.

Is it in everyone's best interest for me to let go, so I don't destroy my relationship with my daughter who'll ultimately need our help with her children if she ends her marriage?

Frustrated

Your valid recommendation to get counselling has been heard, so now move into supportive mode. She senses that you don't "get" her feelings, and perhaps that's also what she feels about her husband. So start listening and asking questions that matter to her, without making judgments.

Ask her to think through how a divorce would work for her "happiness" and that of her children.

Talking to a lawyer and accountant may help her look at the realities ahead. So, too, would individual counseling so she can better articulate (to herself and her husband, not necessarily to you) what she believes would make her happy.

FEEDBACK Regarding the writer whose father was controlling and mean (Jan. 18):

Reader - "I have a father like that. He recently unleashed a verbal tirade that brought me back to my childhood, and temporarily reversed years of hard work building my self-esteem. I was a mess for days.
"I wrote him an email explaining how I felt about his behaviour, and that I was disappointed in him as a father.
"He apologized. It made him realize how I feel, more than spoken words can.
"You can't sweep written words under the rug, or divert a conversation to other things when words are there in black and white.
"I believe this type of person would never confront his or her own shortcomings through joint therapy. Too much ego. To get through to these types requires a kind of shock treatment akin to an 'intervention'.
"This can be done with a heartfelt written letter."