I’ve been married for three years (together 12 years) and have a daughter.
My wife recently found a panty-liner wrapper in our bedroom. She said it’s a brand she never used, and she’d found another a month before.
She accused me of being unfaithful.
No one but her and I are in our house.
She went on our computer and found some web sites, which I admit I shouldn’t have been on.
She’s consulted her family and a colleague (whose husband had cheated on her!) While I know it looks bad, I didn’t do anything wrong.
Ellie I love my wife, I’ve never cheated on her, I never would! However, I can’t prove it. I’m so afraid I’ll lose her.
I volunteered for counselling and to talk to whomever she wants me to, but I don’t think that trust will ever return.
What can I do?
- M in M
You could write me and hope, that by going public, she’ll believe you (which is what I think you’ve attempted here). OR, you could both talk directly to each other about what’s the real problem.
If the panty-liner is your one issue, list together all the panty-liner-wearing people who could’ve been in your house – occasional cleaner, babysitter, mother, visitor – plus think where your daughter might’ve found the item (daycare, children’s program) and innocently brought it home.
Also, stop protesting and consider why she’s so suspicious, since it would’ve been unlikely you’d bring someone home for an affair.
The web sites have worried her… and you’ve given no reasonable explanation.
If there’ve been other signs from you of wandering interests, she may’ve purposefully “forgotten” that she changed liner brands, and is trying to force an admission of cheating.
Counselling together is a good idea, but only if you’re both honest about what’s going on.
My irritating sister-in-law complains to everyone that she’s broke, then buys a new couch!
She’s taken thousands from my husbands’ parents, who enable her behaviour.
She got pregnant immediately after marriage, so she thinks we should’ve gotten pregnant by now, and asks about it.
She dumps her daughter off at my in-law’s place, (because she can’t afford a babysitter), then goes to the bar and gets drunk with her husband and their friends.
She’s constantly announcing her personal problems in hopes that we’ll feel sorry for her.
When together, she ignores me and only directs her conversation towards my husband.
I’ve tried to ignore her behaviour, but she always makes a comment (directed at me) that grinds my nerves.
My husband gets defensive of his sister when I try to describe my feelings. I'm about to explode!
- End of My Rope!
You’re mistaken in thinking either of you are ignoring each other: She sets you off and you react internally. It’s a relationship… but a negative one. Your choices are either to try and turn it around, or have nothing to do with her.
Since the latter is difficult (and unfair) because your husband and in-laws want to maintain their connection to her and so put up with her ways, at least give the turnaround a try.
Listen, acknowledge her problems, stop judging her or how her parents choose to help her.
She’s aware of your disapproval and it’s making the situation between you worse.
When your husband sees you trying to get along with her, he’ll appreciate it and be far more inclined to speak up if she criticizes you.
My boyfriend’s been separated for over a year and is getting a divorce.
He and his daughter, 17, have travelled for four nights to look at universities.
He’s booked only one hotel room, one bed. He said they’ve often shared a bed while travelling, and even sometimes at home; that it’s “normal.”
After my objections, he rebooked a room with TWO beds.
He’s excluded me from all contact with his daughter. Is this covert incest and pushing me away?
It’s inappropriate even if not incest, misguided, and potentially harmful to his daughter, but it’s not about you.
Your guy is trying to be “close” after the divorce. However, this is the worst time to stir confused feelings in a teenager who’ll naturally want to hang onto her Dad.
One bed is simply wrong. Two beds are less worrisome, if on rare occasions only. Normally, they should sleep in separate rooms.
Tip of the day:
Sometimes the issue you’re arguing about is a smokescreen for one much deeper.