I've been with my boyfriend for six months, and haven't met his children.

He works odd hours as a law enforcement officer, so he gets his children on different days of the week.

When he has them on the weekends, I feel lonely.

When I asked him why I haven't met them, he rambled.

"We've talked about this, I don't know why we have to talk about this again, and you know I don't bring my children around any and everyone."

When I made the comparison to his new (male) co-worker of six months having met his children, he said that's different. I've even suggested that he tell his children (ages four and 12) that I’m a friend.

He said that when we've dated for a year, he'll bring them around.

This bothers me. I'd progressed in this relationship based on feelings, not time.

I've considered ending it. I'm 31 and don't want to waste time. He knows that I want children and marriage.

If he thinks, I'm “any and everybody,” then he has doubts about us.

Every other aspect of our relationship is great. We spend three to four days a week together, he calls everyday, and he’s romantic. If I hint about needing something, he gets it for me.

I just don't like being marginalized when he has his kids. Does his reluctance mean I’m not the one?

Hidden from View

He didn’t express his position well, but he’s behaving as a thoughtful, concerned parent should, about introducing children to the woman in his life.

An adolescent child may be especially sensitive to “competition” for Dad’s love. There may also be factors related to his ex that make him extra-cautious.

But his behaviour as a boyfriend is otherwise great, and his one-year plan can work well, if you two start building on it together.

Show interest in learning what the children are like, what he does with them, etc. Don’t be aggressive about it, just curious.

At 31, you’re not “wasting time” but growing a good relationship. As the months pass, talk about things you’ll soon all do together, in a positive way. If you do this right, he’ll ease his anxieties about it.

The following letter is, by coincidence, an example of how a sensitive young teen feels about missing her dad after her parents divorced:

I’m 14 and my parents are divorced. I live with my mom but go to my dad’s every two weekends, but I feel it’s still not enough.

When at my mom’s, I usually cry every night because I miss him so much, even if I’d just seen him.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep because I’m so sad. I have nobody to talk to this about. I’m not comfortable talking to my mom about it.

My sister’s okay without seeing him a lot. I don’t know how she does it.

Really Need Help

Talk to both Mom and Dad, and ask for their help getting you through this. Your living arrangement was set up by them, based on whatever circumstances are involved.

They may be able to explain this to you so you understand enough to accept it. Also, your dad may want to focus his time with you differently, to make those visits more satisfying.

Or, since you’re mature enough to have written this heartfelt email, you may ask them if they can arrange for you to talk to a therapist who deals with divorce issues. Then you can air your feelings without fear of upsetting a parent.

FEEDBACK Regarding the boyfriend who behaved “racist and greedy” (Feb. 5):

Reader – “The writer initially saw him as attractive and charming.

“It reminded me of when I was a single guy dating, and met a lot of women who were "shopping" for a “GQ Magazine” man. They insisted that he be at least six inches taller than them.
“I spoke on the phone with one woman over several weeks (introduced by a mutual friend). When we finally met, she took one look at me and walked away. I wasn’t tall enough for her.

“When I attended single events, many of the divorced women present were the ones who originally chose GQ-type partners.

“My message to people dating is to open your eyes. There are decent human beings everywhere.
“I met the love of my life who’s not self-centered, and is a wonderful person. We’ve been happily married for ten years.”