I just got this new job, met some new people and made some cool friends. I get along with everyone but have a hard time “selling” myself as boyfriend material because of verbal abuse from parents, bullying at school, and extreme shyness with females. I take almost a month to gather the courage and hope that one might say yes. 

I’m generally a cheerful, pleasant, quiet, and easy-going person with a touch of silliness every now and then. What do you suggest?

- Hoping…

New job + cool friends = a fresh start, so congratulations. It’s proof positive (to yourself) that you’ve risen above the mindless bullying and thoughtless parental put-downs of the past. 

Now, shuck that sack of old insecurities off your back and just be the cheerful guy you describe when you meet a female.

If the contact is through work, talk about the stuff you have in common in your field, to break the ice. Get together at the coffee break.

If you meet someone through your new friends, get to know her within the group awhile before pushing for dates. Let your “silly” side keep you light-hearted, so that you forget about “selling” yourself. There’s no need; you sound like a good guy.

My daughter-in-law hardly ever cooks; she works full-time, sometimes on different shifts from my son. 

He likes cooking and does it all. Isn’t this unfair?

- Wondering Mother-in-Law

It’s not unfair, it’s their solution to their lifestyle, time allotments, and preferences. You could cook and freeze some meals to bring as hostess gifts when you visit… without criticism. 

Keep mum, Mom.

I’m 50; my father kicked, hit and even strapped me and my older sister, and also was emotionally abusive calling us names (sluts), as we grew.  

When other kids were out doing things we were home doing yard work, working on cars, housework.

My mother was close to my sister but ignored me.

I’m now married and have a wonderful husband.

I moved back to my hometown and tried to re-establish a relationship with both my parents. If I phone them, they’ll talk, but they don’t phone me or visit. My father lectures constantly and wants to know our financial business etc, and my mother insults my husband when he’s considerate to me (pulls out my chair or helps with my coat). She drinks and then turns her venom on me. They have my sister over for dinner frequently or go out with her but never ask us.

I think it’s best for my mental health not to be around them, as they just upset me and have me in tears. But I want to let go of my guilt about this - is it ok?

- Finished?

I usually urge family reconnections, but I draw the line in cases where relatives such as your parents are locked into purposefully toxic behaviour. Your mental health takes precedence over their right to be miserable. 

The reasons for their joint meanness and exclusion are unknown, but are poison seeds within themselves and their relationship. Nothing you do can change this, so it’s imperative you do not let it drag you down any longer nor harm your marriage.

You are guilt-free, as you’ve done nothing wrong and have no role to play in their pathology. A good therapist will bolster you in these convictions, if you still feel twinges of despair or need help moving on. But above all, and immediately, walk away.

My husband of nine years (two children together) confessed that he’d repeatedly cheated on me with many different women. 

We both went to individual counselling; his was intense and positive; mine brief. I couldn’t get past the hurt and betrayal.

We’re now divorced, friendly and co-parent our children as a team. We each have another partner in our lives, but nothing serious. Yet I’ve never stopped caring for him. Would it be wrong to let my ex know this?

- Missing Him

Think 10 steps ahead before you leap onto an old path: Has he really changed so much that you can trust he won’t cheat again? Can you be together again as lovers without carrying hurt and anger into the relationship? 

Re-visit a full process of counselling about this before creating a spark that could burn again. It will, unless both have changed - his behaviour and your reactions.