Lately, I've been thinking a lot about a very taboo subject - a threesome.

I'm FAR from the "type" to jump into bed with more than one person. I've always been monogamous and a little shy in the bedroom.

It's not even something I want to enjoy with a significant other. I’d prefer two complete strangers whom I may or may not ever see again.

I have incredibly mixed feelings about it, but I cannot tear it from my thoughts. When I want something, I usually think about it constantly until I get it. Even if I regret it after!

I'm not positive if going through with this will give me some relief, or if it's something I’ll feel guilty about later.

What’s your advice? If it's something I decide to go through with, what resources could I use?

I’ve been looking at ads online but you can never be sure how safe a stranger is.

Curiosity or Compulsion

You’re concerned about “strangers,” yet don’t want to know the other two participants in a threesome.

Sounds like curiosity, not a compulsion - a “shy” guy wanting to know what it’d be like to have no inhibitions sexually.

But at some point in this pursuit, you’d have to go online to a “threesome” website (“resources” are easy to find), then meet two people who claim to be equally interested.

The question of whether you’d regret it later is a crap shoot as to who those two people turn out to be.

Since you seem somewhat conflicted yourself about this, I wonder if it’s your shyness that’s driving the whole idea… as if having this one experience will greatly improve your sexual prowess.

My answer is this: Sexual confidence usually comes from feeling good about yourself. And it improves when you also feel good about the person you’re with.

To me, that’s a more certain goal with longer-lasting value. It may mean getting out there dating more, or talking to a sex therapist if you’re  very shy in bed.

Can you provide some simple, sensible phrases that will get through to my brother and sister-in-law before their next visit?

They and their three lovely children (7, 9 and 11) are a pleasure . . . except that they do nothing toward making meals, cleaning up, or anything to compensate for the extra work their presence requires.

They live thousands of kilometres away and we love seeing them on their rare trips here, but found ourselves feeling resentful after their last visit.

We don't want to hurt them or our relationship, yet we must set clear expectations ahead so we don't wind up feeling tired and taken advantage of.

Ground Rules

I’m all for simply stated truths as well as pre-planning, as in:

“As you know yourselves, the care and feeding of all of us together takes some effort, so let’s plan some easy meals for which everyone can pitch in.”

Then put out the makings for lunch – bread and fillers for sandwiches, and tell everyone to go ahead, and then to clean up after. Join them and make it fun.

Try this too, “We need a couple of dinners which your family can host easily – barbecued chickens for one, pizzas for another… or whatever you choose.”

Keep routines simple, too. When they get there, be clear that everyone’s responsible for making their own bed and tidying after themselves in the washroom.

Be relaxed with the kids, but be firm that the cleanup must be done.

If you use humour along with consistency, they’ll all get the message, including the parents.

Commentary - A year ago I wrote you regarding my son who was alcoholic, and had addiction issues with severe anxiety.

Update: We set boundaries and I attended Al-Anon.

My son was using food banks and soup kitchens. He was in and out of detox, had his room broken into, and battled bed bugs.

My husband and l had to step back to watch this all unfold.

He had to experience these things to grow up and take responsibility for himself.

Today he has a decent place to live, and has held a steady job.

Alcohol, addiction, and mental health  are lifelong issues. I had to accept this and it was very hard for me. I’d previously tried to fix everything.

Recognizing that I was co-dependent was an awakening. Cushioning life for him was wrong.
We have to let our children fall and get back up.

Co-dependent No More