My two long-time friends are married with teenaged children. I recently was told by the mother that they all still play-fight in the nude, and that the daughter, 16, has a nickname for her father's penis – Pinocchio - and that she runs around the house as they all play, saying '”don't let Pinocchio touch me.”

They also allow the girl to sit in the living room naked, but the mother ignored my concerns about that.

Their son is 14. Both children have failed in school, the girl barely eats, and the boy’s been stealing.
How do I delicately discuss this with the mother? To me, it’s incest or at the very least, enabling inappropriate nudity and touching.

I feel so guilt-ridden that I haven’t reported this to Children's Aid. She told all this to me and another friend (a PhD in psychology) who also felt this behavior was dreadful.

The friend stated she works with sex offenders who have “accidentally” fallen into sex offences while sexual play is going on, and this is my fear for these two children.
Disturbed

Your friend’s looking for the strong, negative reaction that she herself is afraid to make. The situation’s all wrong and she knows it, that’s why she’s telling you.

Her daughter’s evident anorexia, and the boy’s acting out are indications of their terrible discomfort and, possibly, actual sexual abuse.

Tell her you believe she knows the perverse activity and nudity must stop, and that you and her other friend will inform child welfare authorities.

Then report all to authorities, adding that the mother, for one, may be ready for counselling and changed behavior. It may end the friendship…. but it’ll hopefully save the children from far worse.

After my close friend and I finished college two years ago, she moved in with her parents while I moved in with my fiancé. We kept contact through frequent emails, occasional telephone calls, and rare visits.
Last summer she got a boyfriend. Since then, she rarely returns my emails or phone calls. She still texts me, but infrequently.

I’ve found what a fair-weather friend she’s become, though I’ve gone far out of my way to stay in touch.

Recently, she mentioned that she’d be in my city and asked to meet for lunch. After several days, I called to ask about making arrangements, and learned she’d already come and gone from my city.

Is it time to cut off this friendship? Should I email her reasons, and give her a chance to shape-up? Her few emails and texts imply that she still considers me a friend.

Sad Sack

It isn’t the same friendship any more, just an old connection. Both of you manage very well with this limited contact. But the recent incident made you feel slighted. Meanwhile, Miss Fair-Weather doesn’t even realize she offended you, and thinks she was just too busy to meet up.

Calling her on it puts the label “Done” on the friendship. It’s not really necessary. Cool your own correspondence and stop going out of your way. Just stay in touch occasionally – e.g. cards for birthdays, Thanksgiving etc., and an occasional email when something in common sparks the desire to say hello.

Many old friends keep in touch in this sporadic way due to distance and other demands in their personal lives. Don’t take it too personally, she’s a different type from you, but you may still want to be in touch, and even meet from time to time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the father who told his accusing daughter that his “fling” was over (June 28):

Reader – “Finding a parent has been unfaithful can be devastating, and shakes up a child's worldview, even if that child’s an adult.
“You assume the father’s truthful about the one-time "fling," when he may’ve been doing this for years.

“Infidelity is the business of the entire family because it affects them all. The father has been unfaithful to his child, too. I believe the daughter has an obligation to tell the mother everything.

“Then the entire family’s on a level playing field. The husband can make explanations to his wife, everyone can go to therapy alone or together, and decisions can be made regarding their future.
“Imagine how the wife would feel if she found out about the dalliance some years down the road and that everyone knew about it but her?”