I’m 30, dating a man, 27, for 18 months. He’s kind, caring, thoughtful, and affectionate, our families get along, and my friends love him.
However, I have a much higher sex drive and despite multiple conversations about frequency, we’re only having sex once a week or when he wants it.
I’m becoming very frustrated, feeling unattractive, rejected, and resentful. He’d sought medical help and got a clean bill despite some extra weight gain this year.
We love each other and have discussed marrying and having children. I don't want to end a great relationship over sex but my resentment’s growing.
See a specialist in sex therapy. The relationship’s too developed in other areas to walk away without a serious, knowledgeable approach to the problem, PLUS compromise.
You have a strong libido now, but this might change somewhat along with hormonal swings when pregnant and after childbirth. Consider then, that when sex drives differ, the partner best adapts through understanding, not pressure.
To me, your feelings of resentment and frustration when there’s still regular intimacy (not weeks and months of abstinence), suggests your insecurity. You may have strong past reasons why you need frequent reassurances of being sexy and desired.
A sex therapist can help you explore those feelings, and also help your guy understand your needs in a compassionate, loving way (different from just being turned on, or not). So try this professional route that looks at both of you, and not just his sex drive.
I'm a 48-year-old woman going through a divorce after a bad 25-year marriage. I met a wonderful man who’s only been a widower for four months. We met one month after his wife passed, she’d been sick for a year.
He says he’s ready to move on with his life. We’re making plans on being together, but he has mood swings that are so out of control I’m second-guessing my dedication to this relationship.
So many people are telling me it's too soon for him, but I'm not getting that feeling. My feeling is that he seems to go in and out of bad moods where I'm the target. Is this his guilt over moving on? Or is he ready?
Should I get out of this before it's too late? My heart tells me I love him and want to be with him, and I don't doubt his love for me at all.
But I’m wondering if I need this in my life when I've just left a physically and mentally bad relationship?
Sounds like you’re both clinging to leaky rafts.
It’s too soon for both of you to commit to people who have their own heavy baggage for this next voyage as a couple.
HE has mood swings for which he needs to see a doctor and get treatment, possibly medication. Whether it’s from guilt or chemistry, no matter, he’ll be very hard to live with unless he learns to manage these moods, and meanwhile you’ll be a target again of emotional abuse.
YOU are still going through a divorce, which means drama and challenges until all the details are settled. It’s not a wise time to choose a long-term partner, since your moods are also going to be affected through this process.
Enjoy each other’s company but stay independent until you’ve each dealt with your own serious issues.
You don’t have to end it, but you sure have to cool it from rushing to live together.
FEEDBACK Regarding people who snoop on those with whom they’re intimately involved (June 28):
Reader – “This all-too-common practice really bothers me. I understand that there may be some perverse satisfaction in snooping and finding that your worst fears are realized. But for me, once the snooping begins, the relationship is over.
“I cannot imagine going on for years with someone like one writer, “intercepting his mail and reading it, and going to his work and reading his emails.”
“How is that even accomplished? It wouldn’t be possible where I work and would potentially cause a lot of problems.
“I'm not a fan of this man - I just can't imagine how either one of them can live this way.
“As for the daughter (also June 28), I'm suspicious of "accidentally seeing texts" and following her father. Yes, his behaviour’s a problem but as you rightly stated, it's for the parents to resolve.”
Tip of the day:
Anyone’s sex drive can change, so, instead of labeling, look at root causes.