My ex-wife and I split up eight years ago but stayed amicable for the kids’ sakes. 

Two years ago she was having problems with our daughter (then 17), and asked to have our daughter move in with me; I declined as I was working two job. She dropped off my daughter’s belongings on my porch, my daughter’s been here ever since.

Recently, our son got into trouble with school and the law, so we decided he should move in with me to keep him away from his old crowd. He’s 17; I’m again working two jobs.

Meanwhile, my ex quit her job and hasn’t been able to find another. She’s used up her savings, can’t afford her rent and has asked to move into my house. I’ve tried to refuse without being too much of a jerk but she says she’s desperate.

I don’t think she’s my responsibility and don’t want her in my house.

She’s alienated her family but she does start a new job Monday.

- Need Suggestions

With a new job, she should be able to pay rent within two months. It’ll be cheaper for you to finance that initial period of her having her own place, than putting her up in your place only to find she’s hard to move out. 

She’s used to pushing you into what she wants; the children’s needs were real and she knew you’d succumb. But she’s an adult with an income, so stick to your instinct to not let her manipulate you into accepting her through your door. It appears to be more a long-term plan than an emergency measure.

I’m 34, soon to be with a man 21 years my senior. We dated when I was 20; it lasted one year, but I walked away because he was seeing another woman his whom I felt he cared for more. Later, I told him I’d been in love with him but couldn't say it earlier because I was hurt. We remained VERY good friends. 

Now, things are totally different because I’m older, even more independent, yet deeper in love with him. He’s also said he’s in love with me and was back then, too.

I want a child and he has no problems with that. I’m wondering if this is too good to be true. Should I slow down or let the chips fall where they may?

- Confused About Love

Two people who’ve been friends for years and love each other needn’t hesitate once they’ve made a mutual commitment. 

But when it comes to having a child, you don’t just want “chips to fall wherever.” You want certainty, security, partnership in raising the child, not just creating it.

He’s 56, and needs to think through honestly, and being considerate of you, about how much involvement he wants, not only with a baby, but for 20 years thereafter.

You’re young enough to wait awhile (say, six months) to see how this renewed relationship works once you start living together before you bring a child’s life into it.

My father left our family (three sons) when I was seven; he’s been mostly absent, paid for nothing. 

Now he’s trying to win me back at age 19, but his plans/schemes are always for his benefit, not mine.

- Wary

Weigh each opportunity to be together. If it’s not illegal or harmful to you, there’s still benefit in getting to know your father. 

Understanding him and appreciating his better traits, is worthwhile for your own identity.

My mentally ill brother, 20-years homeless, is alcoholic and very dangerous when intoxicated.  

Where does obligation to a family member end? I feel bad for him, but cannot save him.

I have to insist that he stay away from my home, for our safety. He doesn’t want help.

Is it okay to turn your back on someone you know is ill, but dangerous?

- Sad Sister

Keeping your brother at arm’s length for safety’s sake doesn’t have to mean turning your back. You likely know enough about where he hangs out to make discreet checks on him periodically (with your husband or other companion alongside, if you fear his reaction). 

Do NOT give up on the resources in your area. Keep in touch with social service agencies and outreach programs to make sure they’re aware of his presence on the homeless scene.

Eventually, he may need help enough to accept it.