I’m in my late 30s, a married mother of two, who’s been unhappy in my marriage for years but hiding it. We have “the picture-perfect marriage” – we’re both working professionals with a nice home, and both good parents. Our daughters, ages seven and nine, are very secure in this life.

But my husband’s emotionally cold, and little interested in sex. I’ve also lost respect for him in his work (far less integrity than I’d believed). We’ve been to counselling but he just suggests it’s all a problem of me being stressed as a working mother.

Leaving him would upset the girl’s lives terribly. I’d be able to manage financially, though I’m aware of how hard and lonely it might be.

But I’m actually very lonely here and now.

Somehow, I believe there’s the possibility of a happier life in my future, even if it has to be on my own. Do you have advice for me?

Crossroads

Stop just daydreaming of “escape” and inform yourself of the practical matters ahead, if you separate. See a lawyer, a financial advisor, and above all, a therapist for yourself and a counselor specialized in helping children deal with their feelings.

I say, if, because you need to probe your own role in this unhappy union… e.g. how did you respond to his low libido (try more romance, be more sexually adventuresome, suggest sex therapy together?)

Exploring your own behaviour does NOT place blame on you. Rather, it can enlighten you about the disconnect between you two. Or help you learn strategies to do better in a next relationship.

If you’re determined to separate, know that it IS a tough road ahead of working hard at relating to the kids, their father, and yourself, in new ways.

A mediation specialist can help with a more amicable divorce process and joint custody, crucial for the children.

My husband and his brother stopped speaking to each other four years ago after a misunderstanding. Both said harsh things.

My brother-in-law’s mother was present during their argument, and can’t get past it. There’s always tension at family gatherings, from her and her relatives.

The brothers have softened enough to turn up at these events, though neither has apologized to the other. But my husband now responds warmly to his sibling when he sees him.

His brother emails him again, occasionally, about things that have positive meaning between them, but remains aloof publicly. His mother-in-law hovers between them…. she won’t talk to my husband and even brushes me off quickly.

My once-close sister-in-law just gets awkward and moves away to talk to others. What can be done to get the mother-in-law to stop reviving this rift?

Still Distanced

Disarm the mother when you get the chance. Be pleasant, chat, and ask about things that interest her. It can be a very seductive approach to people who cast a bitter aura that pushes others away.

Be as warm to your sister-in-law as possible… she’s grown up with her mother’s unforgiving nature and needs to see that it’s okay to decide for herself about this now-receding divide.

Ask your husband to consider apologizing. The two may’ve been equally wrong and hurtful at the time, but they were obviously both equally hurt.

He could say that, for everyone’s sake, he hopes the two of them can put this behind them, and regrets the harsh things he said. He may not do this right away, but perhaps in time.

FEEDBACK Regarding the daughter who’s worried that her father’s stooped and shuffling demeanor is a result of fearing old age (June 7):

Reader – “I am 58 and am suffering from degenerative disk disease. I am not suffering from any sort of senior's crisis, but it is sometimes painful to stand erect when I’ve been sitting in a chair for a long time.

“I don't like it, but I try to get by as best I can. People have a hard time relating to back issues because there’s nothing obviously (visibly) wrong.

“I find physical exercise and yoga really help. Instead of psychoanalyzing her father, she should sit down and express her concern. They can then talk about possible solutions in a non-threatening manner.”

Thanks for this personal insight. Other medical factors may also affect a person’s demeanor. Consistent changes in bearing/energy should be investigated through a doctor’s health check.