During her third pregnancy, my wife of 13 years started sleeping on the couch (more comfortable for her with a baby belly).

But even after the birth, she doesn’t sleep in our bed any more. It’s causing me a depression – five years long.

We have three kids, a healthy relationship otherwise, but I can’t convince her to sleep beside me any more.

Is this selfish of her?

Lonely Bed

It’s unclear whether you two manage to fit mutually satisfying sex into your relationship.

If you do, sleeping apart isn’t that uncommon once the pattern starts. Often, it’s a reaction to snoring or to physical discomforts, but there are other solutions to both those situations, if the couple researches them.

She should explain why she won’t sleep with you and you should be open to hearing her out.

Maybe three kids in eight years are more than she can handle easily, and she prefers the security of a good night’s sleep. Maybe she fears getting pregnant again.

If you want the possibility of change, you need that conversation. Encourage it, listen, think through what she says, and try to find solutions together (e.g. a “memory”-type bed that’s comfortable for both).

I’m an engineering graduate, with an upcoming “just okay” job in an IT company. I want to try the Indian civil service examination and enter the Foreign Service. I’m confident about the test.

But my other strong passions are music and scriptwriting. I have no training or experience in music, so I’d need a lot of training. For scriptwriting, I’m using online resources.

I’m not sure among all these which to follow. Got advice?

Kochi, India

Go for your one choice – civil service - that’s attainable in the near future, then pursue the other interests when settled. Too many pursuits at once are difficult, distracting, and can be frustrating. Feel one success, and then add other interests.

I’m 40, with a daughter, four, with my husband. He has a son, 23, living with us.

We rent a two-bedroom apartment. His son does nothing but play on his computer. We don’t have much money. Recently, my husband left to find work.

I don’t want his son staying here, because he’s dirty and lazy. His room’s always a mess and smelly.

Before my husband left, he said I could call the police to kick out his son. I told the son to find a job and leave, but he didn’t care about what I told him, and he wouldn’t move out.

Freeloader 

Your husband avoided his own needed role in this situation by wrongly suggesting police move him out.

Unless this young man threatens or harms you or your child, or causes damage, behaves erratically, and/or dangerously, police are highly unlikely to get involved.

Insist that your husband phones/emails his son and urges that he improves his own life and future. He might even suggest the son join him and they both seek jobs elsewhere.

Meanwhile, the young man’s living there as an outsider, which is likely hard on him as well as you. Try talking to him with sincere interest in his future… about his skills, what he’d like to be doing, etc. Hopefully, it’ll get him thinking about it.

Urge him for his sake to pursue a sense of independence. He can start with any job that gives him some income to build towards moving in with a roommate. He can also seek any local community help (which he can Google) with employment programs.

FEEDBACK Regarding “Constantly Crying” whose "friend" threatened to expose her secret crush (Sept. 24):

Reader – “You suggested she forgive him and convey that she considered him a “special” friend, but someone who’d threaten and emotionally blackmail you is no friend and should be avoided.
“Not conveying the clear message to this boy that his behaviour crosses the line of decency is a disservice to him and to any other young women who’ll come across his path.
“As with any blackmailer, the girl can defuse his power by having a few confidential words with the secret crush. It won't be easy for her, but she’ll get her power back.”

Ellie – Your point’s well taken, if the girl were mature enough to handle your approach…

Since all three young people are very involved with their Church, I felt “forgiveness” was modeling its teaching to this boy, whom I’d suggested probably liked her himself.