I'm a man, 34, who feels stuck in life. I'm married; we have four great children (age eight to newborn). I'm working in a field I like but not making enough for all that I'd like to give my kids. There's hope of more income in this job but no immediate big breaks.

My wife has a small home-based business with a partner who also has young kids. They say they can't expand it for at least four more years.

I love my wife and kids but feel I'm on a treadmill with no progress. Is this what I can expect for the next 20 years, till they're all grown and I'm too tired/old to feel successful?

Bleak Future

You're already successful - a wife you love, great kids, a job with future prospects. The only thing limiting you is your own pessimism and anxiety.

Get pro-active on your own attitude. Start with physical exercise whenever and wherever you can fit it in (run with the kids, skate, bike, etc.) You need to get your energy and endorphins going to lift your mood.

Every field has new approaches to try, different paths to explore. Trying new things can be uplifting in itself, especially if it requires learning new skills and expanding your network.

Mostly, be positive. It attracts others' confidence in you, which adds to success.

A year ago, I discovered my husband of 33 years had secretly contacted a former girlfriend through Facebook. He said they just wanted to meet for coffee but I said I wasn't comfortable with secrecy and didn't condone their meeting. He said he told her that it wasn't a good idea.

A month later he left his email open. They'd written each other how to lay low and to watch emails and phone bills. They were planning when they could meet (when I'd be working).

My husband denied anything else took place or that they'd met. We'd previously had a very happy marriage. The deception and lies have come close to ruining it.

Several months ago, I discovered old high-school photos of him and this former girlfriend. I asked him to make a decision about them. I later found some cut up in the garbage. But I discovered two pictures of her hidden in his work briefcase. He said he only wanted them for memories. I was very upset and said he could keep a group shot only, not her. But it was in his briefcase again.

I no longer trust him. There are too many unanswered questions, lies, and cover-ups. Marriage counselling didn't work; he gave the same answers. However, he's agreed to individual counselling.

I love him. We have three wonderful daughters. I want to keep our marriage but how do I believe and trust when these issues haunt me every day? I'm not convinced that there's no further contact.

Living with Doubt

Decide your limits and tell him them. Say you love him and want to keep the marriage but you can't accept secrets and lies.

 Ask him to weigh the consequences of continuing contact with this woman, that is, you will find out, you will think about a separation, his daughters will learn about all this. Tell him to discuss with his personal counsellor whether he can handle upheaval for the sake of some "memories." 

(Consider whether there are other changes in him that suggest he might need a medical check in case his behaviour is affected by health factors).

For Christmas, my mother-in-law gave me a hairbrush and some lipstick. As if that isn't bad enough, did I mention that the hairbrush had hair in it and the lipstick was used? It's been eating away at me ever since.... what exactly is she trying to say to me?

Disgusted

There are many possible meanings, but it's clear from your tone that there's little affection on your side towards her, so the likeliest conclusion is that she feels the same way about you.

 The more important question is, are either of you capable of trying something different?

 Ignore this gift. Next occasion, give her something you truly believe she'll appreciate (not expensive, it's the significance that counts).

 If her next gift is as thoughtless as previous ones - and you believe she could've managed to get out and purchase/afford something else - say, "Thanks, but no thanks, as this is insulting and I'd like to know why."