I’m mid-50's, widowed for a decade. My husband was older than me and died suddenly in his 50s. He was an alcoholic without control; he drank until there was no more. He was loving and caring to our four children.

There was emotional absence in our marriage. I had a long-term affair (25 years) with a co-worker, which fulfilled the missing emotional needs. His wife knew and tolerated our relationship.

However, she called my husband and revealed it. Our daughter was born of that relationship. My husband confronted me and I admitted that she wasn’t his. We both decided to stay together.

He loved our daughter as his own. I went to counselling with and without him, but I continued to see my lover. I believe my husband thought it had ended.

If I could re-make those choices, I’d work on my marriage or end it. No extra-marital relationship is worth it, and the effects damage you and your loved ones forever.

Even though I ended my relationship with my co-worker after my daughter married, we still have short coffee visits.

I actually lost my feelings for him since my husband passed away, as I realized that the person I loved as a partner was my husband, especially after he stopped drinking several years before he died.

The day he died, I’d watched him getting ready for work and felt a wonderful contentment that he was again the man I married.

I didn't deserve him; I should’ve been a better wife.

My past haunts me and I don't know if and when I should come clean. I want to clear my conscience.

I know, too late, that if it weren't for the stress I caused him, he may’ve lived longer.

Should I cut all my contact with my co-worker? He’s married to the same woman and very dedicated to his family. He’s also done some paid accounting work for me.

But he still makes inappropriate suggestions, which I brush off. I believe that his children have known of our relationship and about my daughter, but I don't believe they’d contact her.

When, if ever, should I tell her the truth? I’ve thought of leaving a letter in my “Will” file.

How do I cope with this secret emotional burden for the rest of my life?

Tormented

The short answer lies within your own history – your husband was an alcoholic who was loving to the children, but provided no emotional bond with you. An affair was the way both you and your co-worker decided to fill the empty parts of your lives.

Today, you’d have the experience, commitment, and courage to do things differently, but back then you didn’t. Wallowing in guilt changes nothing, and you still have years ahead to live the honest life you now seek.

Cut ties with this man, completely.

The longer process that’s needed for YOU to answer your own questions requires professional therapy. It’s the only way you can move forward and believe you’re doing the right thing, having carefully weighed the possible consequences.

A counselor will help you consider your daughter’s nature, how she’ll likely react to the information, and how it’ll affect her relationships with you and her siblings. You must also balance her potential need for health information, and the chance that someone might tell her before you do.

If you decide to reveal all, you’ll need to bring her and the other children too, into the counselling process.

Take time with this decision.

Guys I've dated have said I'm hard to read. I want to be outwardly warm and welcoming because I love meeting new people. I believe developing this skill can help my relationships.

I have lots of friends, I laugh and joke, with some people I just click and I'm super comfortable. But if I really like or respect someone, I’m WAY less naturally charming and outwardly happy.

Why is it harder to be that way around people I think are so cool? It makes it much harder to connect with these people!

Unreadable

Some social insecurity is a natural part of growing up. It takes time to develop enough confidence to know that you’re cool in your own way, too. And it’s actually a good thing to hold back from over-enthusiasm when you meet new people, until you know solid reasons beyond appearances, to like and respect them.