I've discovered that my wife of 20 years has a credit card in her name which is mailed out to a friend's house so that I don't know about it. We've had some talks before about missing credit card statements and why they're not put in the bill box. Just because they're in her name, does that give her the right to hide them from me? And what else is she hiding from me? If something were to happen, I'm on the hook for any unpaid balances.
- Is It All Lies?
Secrets and Lies? Or is it Control and Fear? Only you and your wife know why she feels she has to hide her purchase amounts from you. You need The Talk, about sharing finances and trust on both sides.
After 20 years, you should both have a clear understanding of your household income and what it can manage. You also should have a reasonable amount of disposable money for each of you to spend. If your wife has to come to you, cap in hand, every time she needs a new bra, you're both 20 years behind the times. BUT, if she's spending with no sense of what you two can afford, then you need a professional money-manager's help explaining that your limits are not about control but about reality.
If you truly suspect this deception means that she's hiding more from you, then your relationship has more than money problems.
My husband and I are both in our 30's; in my previous relationships I've only once been brought to orgasm, and never via intercourse. My husband's previous sexual experiences always resulted in his partner achieving orgasm.
Now he thinks there's something wrong with me OR he's not "man" enough for me, size-wise. Believe me, he's just fine. However, he's always asking about my ex-boyfriends and my sexual relationship with them.
I was happy with our sex life before he made an issue of it. I've explained that tenderness and romance would turn me on. He's responded, he "doesn't have the energy or time," to write me poetry (he used to) or list what he likes about me (which would make me feel cherished). Counselling isn't possible due to negative experiences he had during his parents' divorce.
I want to be emotionally and physically close to him, but he keeps pushing me away with his negative and sarcastic attitude towards his own abilities as a lover, and his jealousy and obsession with my past.
- Yearning for Tenderness
If you both continue resisting each other's view, your marriage will suffer outside the bedroom, too. He needs to feel manly; you need to feel cherished. Both of you need help. He needs to see his doctor and rid himself of his "size" phobia. Experts say the average size of an erect male penis varies from 4 to 8 inches (10-20 centimeters), and partner satisfaction is greatly influenced by emotional connection.
While it's not uncommon for women to not reach orgasm easily through intercourse (despite media images of instant release), you owe it to your marriage to talk to a doctor or sex therapist.
Meanwhile, both of you must use the time now being wasted on arguing, to start caressing and valuing each other again.
Try reading some books together on reviving passion in marriage (see www.ellieadvice.com for resources).
Like chicken soup, it can't hurt.
My partner of three years takes out his bad moods on me by picking fights.
Recently, his sister and brother-in-law have marital problems which he's taking to heart.
When I ask him to stop provoking me, he turns it against me - saying I don't want to communicate, and I'm just like his sister - until he manages to make me angry.
When I walk away, he also gets angry.
- Dumped On
Tell him you're not the enemy; but if he treats you as such, you need to re-think why you're there.
Do NOT have this talk when you're in the line of fire. Instead, in a quiet moment between you, explain that, as his partner, you're the one he can turn to and get comfort from, when he's hurting about something.
If he can't handle sharing his inner feelings, rather than lashing out, then he needs professional help. Or you'll need to stop being available as his whipping post.
Tip of the day:
When a partner handles money matters secretly, it's time to discuss more than the budget.