I was seeing a married woman for three years; she gave birth in April to our son. 

We had a DNA test done by a professional company; it proved the baby is mine! She named him after me, but has her married name on the birth certificate.

The mother, baby and me meet weekly for a few hours. She said that if she told her husband the truth, he’d be destroyed.

I want to be in the baby’s life and love him so much. She and I are 36; her husband is 48.

I don’t want to hurt her; the baby needs her to be strong and healthy. I’m afraid for her safety. I offered her to come with me; I’d gladly pay 30 per cent for child support.

She feels bad for what happened but it’s not her fault for falling in love with me, and me with her! Should I keep our arrangement for now, and pursue him legally later, or do it now?

- Waiting

This murky situation should be cleaned up as soon as possible. If you both want to be together, she must leave her husband and explain why. But first, you both need legal advice. 

The DNA test is significant, but married partners also have some legal rights, such as asking for more tests. Also, for her safety, she needs to plan ahead - how and when she’ll approach her husband, whether she needs you or someone else present, whether she requires ready accommodation in a safe place.

Finally, you both need to understand your financial obligations to this child, and her, if she leaves her husband. You may be looking at 100 per cent support if she’s not working, and she’s divorced him to be with you.

This is no longer an affair; it’s about planning a realistic future.

Most of us (family and friends) have accepted my brother-in-law’s crude comments, because they usually occur in mixed company including his wife (my twin sister). But recently, he inappropriately approached a divorced mutual friend alone at her home, to instigate a sexual rendezvous. 

Previously, I discovered he’d fondled my niece many years before. Her sister told this to me in confidence (their family decided to stay quiet, to keep family peace and for my sister’s sake).

Three years ago, he was accused of groping an 80-year-old woman.

I was disturbed by these earlier accounts, but thought that the victims must’ve misinterpreted what happened. Now, I feel that something has to be done - let him know that I know, even though he’ll deny it. It has to stop. If he’s sick, he needs help.

I fear this will tear the family apart and that my sister can’t handle it.

- Concerned

Consideration for your sister has left other people, even elderly and very young women, open to this man’s abuse. Speak to him directly, offer him the name of a therapist or social agency where he can get counselling help, and warn him that any other incident will prompt you to call the police. 

Speak to your sister close to the same time, and have available a written list of known incidents. She may reject your information - and you - but eventually she’ll read the list and recognize the truth. Assure your sister that if her husband can change his behaviour, the matter can stay between you three. But you can’t in good conscience let it continue, and neither should she.

My sister went into debt for an ex-boyfriend, my brother abused drugs and alcohol; I’m the youngest. 

My family always pressures me - to help my brother apply to college, and my sister with her finances. Yet, if I get upset, my father and brother view me as emotionally unstable. My sister’s jealous of my success.

I want to buy a house when I’m 25, requiring my living at home to save. Do I keep my plans, or just get away?

- Hurt

You’re doing so well, that it appears you could move out soon. Weigh your greater emotional need – waiting for a “dream,” or going for independence now. 

Remember, with a house, you may be importuned to take in your siblings to make things easier for them, though it may be harder on your mental health.

A professional counsellor can help you decide, and to avoid feeling overwhelmed by family demands.