I’ve been dating/ living with a man for three years. During the first year, he had an online affair.
He continually lied about things I’d discover. I asked him to leave and he said he’d end it. But he didn’t until months later.
He’s now moved for work. We see each other once a month.
He’s started to communicate regularly with his ex-wife. During a visit, I saw some of the texts.
She apparently thought we were no longer together. She wrote that she’d quit texting while he was visiting me. He tried to see her but she wasn’t available.
Then she sent a photo of herself while traveling to Hong Kong to visit her family.
He explained this only because I saw it come through.
I don't understand these relationships that are apart from ours.
I don't understand why he’s now communicating with his ex.
I wonder if I move to where he is, if this communication will carry on. I feel one of them is still in love.
There’s been nothing physical, yet I feel hurt and betrayed.
He says it’s my own insecurity and lack of self-worth.
How do I finally address this with him finally? Or, should I cut my losses and move on?
We’re both in our late 40's.
Betrayed or Insecure?
It’s no wonder that you don’t understand.
Your guy doesn’t make anything clear e.g. why he and his ex-wife are now in regular contact.
He seems to think he only has to explain something when he gets caught.
This isn’t about your insecurity; it’s about his secretiveness. It creates distrust.
It wouldn’t be an issue if he told you that he and his ex like to be in touch about their kids. But instead, he puts all this uncertainty on you and carries on.
There’s no finality on this way of behaving, unless he clarifies to you why he’s renewed this contact.
Will he be visiting with her in the future without telling you? Will he introduce you two or get together with her privately?
You need to insist on his being open with you.
Otherwise, continuing to rely on this relationship is bound to end up with the same hurts and doubts.
I’m a man, 24, stuck in my parent's house to pay off debt from car insurance, financial woes, and long-term unemployment before recently getting a job.
I’m working hard, but my father openly judges me.
It’s because I’m trying to tolerate the full-time working hours with smoking, having a drink or two after work, and returning home late (my shift ends at 11pm).
But he’s trying to control me.
My job can't support moving out until I pay my dues. My parents are my only support right now, so what should I do?
Get a grip on reality. You’re living on the generosity of your parents after some actions of your own that resulted in “financial woes.”
That’s not unusual at your age, but some appreciation is required.
Yes, your father’s judging you, but he has cause: You seem to think that full-time work is a burden, yet it’s what most adults do every day.
Spending money on alcohol and cigarettes would be fine in modest amounts, IF it were your own money.
But when you have debts and live off others – their home, food, laundry, etc. – you should be spending the least amount of money and even contributing at home.
FEEDBACK Regarding when a writer asks what to say to someone she/he doesn’t want to date:
Reader – “One writer’s concerns were about a man’s inability to take what she says seriously.
“She feared he won’t handle a break-up better than he did when she asked him to stop constantly texting and calling.
“You should’ve suggested that she seek out a professional who could help her understand what’s driving him.
“His insecurities and anxieties are creating some form of compulsive and/or obsessive behaviour to be in constant contact with this woman.
“A professional can help her assess his behaviour and if necessary, help her plan the most effective exit strategy, and work with her to handle situations that might occur during or after the break-up.
“Many women can benefit by you taking a proactive stance advising they take precautionary steps to understand what kind of person they’re dealing with before ending contact.”
Ellie – Good point. I’m advising it now.
Tip of the day:
When a partner’s secretive, don’t accept a transfer of blame; he/she is the one creating your doubts.