Should I lock out my stepson, his partner and my two pre-school grandkids?
In seven years, they’ve run up $60,000 debt with no assets. They’re living in a duplex I own and they haven’t paid rent for 8 months, making it hard for me to pay the mortgage.
Their mother (my partner) begs me to let them go longer, but I don’t see any changes to end this mess. I bought them a cheap car as they work late-night shifts. Am wrong to protect myself eventually?
- Between a Rock and a Stepson

Instead of retreating (a natural desire), get armed with information and plans. Talk to your partner, plus a bank credit counsellor and/or financial adviser. Between all of you, there’ll be some helpful ideas.
The two parents obviously spend recklessly. One condition of staying in your property should be that their credit cards are cancelled.
Then a payment plan needs to be worked out (can his mother contribute something?) and yes, you may have to carry them for a limited time more, say, six months. If necessary, you can help find them a place with cheaper rent than your mortgage needs, once they’re operating on some kind of budget.
A valuable contribution long-term is to help these two upgrade their skills to get better-paying jobs.
You’ve been generous. But there’ll likely always be some involvement from you with this family, especially for the youngsters’ sakes.

I moved from Texas to Canada to marry 10 years ago. I’m an only child and Mom and Dad are still back there. Dad, 76, was laid off, got very obese and is bed-ridden. Mom, 67, is his main caregiver.  
Although they’re eligible for various programs and have a nurse visit weekly, Mom’s on a downward spiral. When social assistance sent a visiting homemaker, she accused them of stealing silly things like soap and toilet paper.
She’s always had feelings that people break into her home and steal things. Her paranoia has led her to suspect that Dad’s in love with the nurse.
I’ve asked her to visit us to get a break, but she insists she’s not leaving her house. Dad feels like a prisoner and uses the food for comfort; he says he has no intention of losing weight and becoming mobile again.
I call them weekly, but its one-hour of complaining about how horrible my Dad is and how horrible her life is.  I’m very stressed after every phone call.
I just visited and it was horrible. Mom burns through their social security money so fast; they live in an isolated area, she won’t join a seniors’ group and loses any friends to her erratic behavior. I don’t know how to help them.
- Feeling Powerless

You’re not powerless, just overwhelmed. A bed-ridden father and paranoid, friendless mother cannot manage on their own much longer. And you do have the ability and responsibility to take charge of the situation.
Contact the social services department involved and start an application for a move to an assisted-living facility for both; also, have Mom checked thoroughly for her mental and physical health, carrying this burden along with her previous nature may have brought changes that require medication.
Your phone calls are important check-ins, but don’t have to last an hour. Limit them and be realistic in your expectations – Mom has no one else to complain to, so listen, and be alert for any truly worrisome information that requires you to act or contact help.

Months ago, my stepdaughter and daughter-in-law had a huge argument, unfortunately, in front of my stepdaughter's mother that greatly embarrassed her.
My daughter-in-law tried to make amends; several family gatherings followed and were total disasters. My stepdaughter no longer felt comfortable coming to family events.
It’s put a damper on our family and is inconvenient for my husband and me. How can we resolve this and stop having to hold separate holiday celebrations?
- Family Squabble

It’s not your fight, so stop accommodating. Hold your family events and invite all. If one asks if the other’s coming, answer honestly.
Tell each to decide themselves whether to miss being part of the family for that occasion, or not. Of course, you’ll be happy to see the one who didn’t show up, but casually, at some other time - NOT through you creating another gathering.
NOTE: Your DIL owes an apology to the mother.