I’ve been living with my girlfriend for one year; she holds a part-time job, I work full-time. 

She often stays at home watching TV, and just being bored. She doesn’t have hobbies or interests.

As soon as I get home, she wants my full attention. I sometimes want to do my own thing (e.g. read, play video games, play sports etc.) but she makes me feel guilty, and gets upset.

She refuses to join me at some of the sports I play; we have few common interests.

We do go out and do things together like movies, dinner and seeing friends, but I don’t want to devote 100% of my off time relieving her boredom.

How can I encourage her to develop her own interests and life of her own?

- Pressured

You’re not your girlfriend’s entertainment, nor her activities counsellor. 

However, her inactivity suggests she might be depressed. Direct your encouragement toward her seeing a doctor and/or a professional counsellor. She may find new motivation by seeking a more interesting job, or boosting her fitness level, but suggestions should come from an objective source, not you. Or you place yourself further into the role of her rescuer.

Also, your relationship needs some time structure, and compromises. After work, be willing to share some time together – a meal, a chat - before going off on your own. She should know the regular days on which you play sports, so she can see make other plans.

However, if nothing changes, you may both need to re-think a relationship with little common ground or mutual independence.

My mother’s in her early 60’s, single for years; she constantly complains that men her age want someone 20 years younger. 

She says that when she goes to a singles’ event, the only men who show interest are much older and she doesn’t want to date an “old fart.”

On dating websites, she posts dated pictures of herself and lies about her age, and when she does meet someone, there’s rarely a second date.

Ellie, I sympathize with her and understand that she’s lonely, but I’ve accompanied her and she sits with a huge scowl on her face looking down at everyone.

She sets herself up for failure by expecting the worst, and she’s rude to those who have the courage to approach her.

She’s developing a victim complex that no one appreciates her or does anything for her.

My sympathy is wearing thin after years of listening to the same complaints with no effort on her part to change.

Recently I’ve tried to change the subject or stated that I’ve heard it all before, but it usually ends up in a guilt trip. What should I do?

- Weary

Change your approach. Spend time with your Mom doing things that you can both enjoy, rather than trying to help her with meeting men to date. 

If she likes to cook, draw, sing, see shows, choose such activities together – e.g. take a cooking or art class together, join a choir, go out to a movie or other entertainment.

Be sociable yourself, and ignore her hesitancy with people, just try to make it a pleasant time together.

Her “dating” life is not your responsibility. Stay aloof from it, and tell her you’ll continue to change the subject unless she has something positive to say.

If her victim complex deepens, suggest a medical check up in case there’s a health issue affecting her.

Ten years ago I dated a man much older than me for two years. Circumstances forced us to end our relationship against our wishes; I never saw him again. 

I married a wonderful man, have a beautiful child; life is great.

Recently I stumbled across my ex’s obituary. I didn’t attend his wake/funeral but sent condolences to his family. Ever since, I’ve been having vivid, strange dreams and occasionally think of him.

Is this normal?

- Worried

It’s normal to feel grief over an unexpected death of someone with whom you were once close. 

Since publicly mourning him would’ve been inappropriate - given the years since you were last together and your present status – your sub-conscious is doing it for you.

Reflecting on the good times you had together and the good feelings for each other, is a healthy way to honour his memory, and put the past behind you again.