I’m a male living in a family that’s very fortunate financially. However, everyone - uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, and parents - pressures me by being successful, all with Ph.D.’s or pursuing them.

I'm trying hard to just try to pass my undergrad. I’m on probation. It’s so difficult because I hate my program. I loved my summer job because I believe I made a difference to people's lives, but it's nothing related to my program.
I feel like a failure if I'm not like them. I asked my mom’s permission to stop pursuing this degree, and take a year off to think about where I want to be and how to get there. She shot that idea down and demands that I finish this degree before thinking about anything else.

Nobody knows I'm doing terribly in school, because I'm too scared to tell them. I once believed I’m smart, just in a different area. But I'm questioning that now.

My job performance and the smiles I got from customers were keeping me going, but that’s gone now.

Lost

Having role models for success all around you can be a good thing, but heavy pressure is not. And you’re adding to that pressure yourself, by not being honest with your mom. I appreciate that it’s not easy, but it’ll come out at some point that you’re not connecting with this program, especially if/when your probation’s cancelled.

Deal with the reality of this program, first, on it’s own, rather than talking about a year off. It’ll only worry her that you’ll not continue with an education.

Ask for a serious, frank talk. Discuss why you dislike this particular program. Name the areas that interest you and also suggest seeing a professional educational consultant to explore the best academic background for your interests and skills.

Show your mom the confidence you’ve sometimes felt in being smart and able to succeed in other areas. Ask for her help and understanding. Suggest you might need personal counselling too, while feeling so “lost.”

A girlfriend asked me to be her Maid of Honour. We were never best friends, but I’ve known her for 10 years and agreed. She's funny, vivacious, and very interesting. But she's also extremely flaky.

She and her fiancé have backed out of plans, repeatedly, cancelled last minute, or didn't show up without notice. Last week was the final straw. SHE contacted me to hang out. I already had dinner plans at a friend’s house and asked him if I could bring two friends along. He graciously said yes, and cooked extra food.

After several postponements of their arrival time, the couple just didn't show up! After she does something like this, she won't contact me for a few weeks, and then acts as if nothing happened.

Should I call her out on it? Sever ties? I don't want to put in effort to being a Maid of Honour to someone who treats me like this.

Last Straw

Confront her about “the problem.” Spell it out – she didn’t show up on such-and-such occasions, dissed your friend, etc. Say you don’t accept this as friendship behavior and neither should she.

If she has any explanations (Controlling fiancé? Substance abuse?), listen. It may turn out she desperately needs a friend. Otherwise, assume this is why she had no one closer to be MOH at her wedding. Say so. Then, if she doesn’t acknowledge her behavior, decline the honour. You won’t last as friends, anyway.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose cheating, lying boyfriend was increasingly controlling and suspicious of her. She feared a confrontation when finally leaving him (August 11):
Reader – “When someone must exit a dangerous relationship, there needn’t be a frightening confrontation. The woman could pack and leave when he's not there.

“She should enlist help for this - a friend or family member. If considering going to a shelter, she should contact them ahead so they're ready to help her.

“Any confrontation that still might happen can come later, when she’s supported with friends, family, and a safe place to stay.”

Agreed. That’s why I advised her, “Run, don’t walk, to a safe place from which to let him know it’s over – your parents’ place if possible, a shelter if necessary.”

Between us, we can’t stress too much that people in abusive relationships need to get out, and do so with pre-planning to protect themselves.