I’m 27 and have been in a serious, loving relationship for four years; we’ve recently discussed the idea of a destination wedding since we’re both not religious. We’re thinking about just a getaway (overseas) to honour our commitment. 

But my parents are very traditional, and they’d be heartbroken not being part of a ceremony of some kind. I’m afraid that they’d take it personally, as if I were rejecting them. I love them and am very close to them, but I feel like I’d die having to go through all that hokey, obligatory wedding stuff. I obviously lack the bride gene.

My boyfriend is “off the hook” with respect to all this; his parents apparently have fewer expectations about his wedding. He’ll do whatever makes me happy, wedding or not.

Do I suck it up and honour my parents for what they’ve given me all these years or do I have some commitment ceremony even if it’s just signing a marriage certificate, because that’s all the wedding we want to have?

- Indie Bride

Start thinking practically about what you really are willing to do regarding a wedding ceremony, and its location, and what you’re not. 

Discuss the actual details with your boyfriend, and be sure he agrees on a few options. Do NOT just assume he’ll go along with everything you think about this, without knowing the specifics of what you’re talking about.

THEN, both of you sit down with your parents and present the few plans that are acceptable to you. Ask them which of these they prefer… and allow them time to think about it, and be open to the possibility that they may add a few wrinkles to your idea. (e.g. they may not be able to afford a trip and stay overseas.) They may ask if you can have the ceremonial part in your hometown, and invite closest relatives, before you two leave for the “commitment trip.”

Of course, you can dismiss all this and do whatever pleases you two as a couple; but your sensitivity towards your parents is significant, and may be important to your future relationship with them, which is why I recommend a collaborative approach.

My sister is planning on having a small wedding, and so she will not be inviting any first cousins.  

As her matron of honour, I plan on giving her a bridal shower. Is it appropriate for me to invite the first cousins – hers and his - to the bridal shower?

- Uncertain

Be prepared for divided opinion, whichever way you choose: e.g. some cousins who aren’t invited to the wedding, will feel that the shower invite was just a gift grab. 

However, I believe that you include family where you can, and try to make them feel important.

So I suggest that you and the bride use the shower as an occasion to be very gracious to these cousins. The bride should say how happy she is to have her relatives there, and explain that her wedding will be very small (she can also say why, if she’s comfortable doing so).