My daughter’s a college graduate working in another state, still settling in. She’s met a young man on whom she has a crush.
He and some guy friends attended a ball game in our town and stayed with us. I accidentally overheard one asking him if this “might be the girl for him.”
He replied that he really liked her, has much in common, but didn’t feel physically attracted.
I was shocked and hurt because my daughter’s pretty, had dates and boyfriends throughout school.
Our daughter thinks he’s shy around girls. Should we tell her? Or let it play out? I’m worried sick about how she’ll take this news eventually. Do people ever develop physical attraction if they like someone and have lots in common?
Lucky daughter that you care so much - but that’s as far as you should go.
When she calls, don’t talk too much about this guy, instead ask about her activities and who she’s meeting during this “settling in” time.
If she mentions his “shyness” again, just casually raise questions, e.g. has she found a close girlfriend to talk to, does she have a friendship group for fun and relaxation, has she met other interesting guys?
Maybe this young man wasn’t ready to express feelings until he’s more connected to your daughter, but time will tell.
Meanwhile, don’t wish for her a commitment from someone who doesn’t truly think she’s hot.
I’m married to a wonderful man for five years and have two young children. My in-laws (parents and unmarried daughter) live an hour away.
My MIL and SIL don’t work. I work full-time. They don’t help me with the kids. They visit once a month, all day, leaving me exhausted.
Trying for more involvement, I dropped the kids at their home for the day once monthly. My husband picked them up.
One day I requested they babysit overnight at their residence while we attended a wedding. They stated “sickness” and opted out.
We soon got a nasty email stating that we can leave the children only in an emergency. My husband called several days later but got nowhere. His mom compared me to her and put down my parenting skills.
My husband keeps in touch four months later but nothing’s said about the children or me. He now wants to visit them with the kids (without me).
I don’t agree after the comments they made about the children, and am very angry with him for not standing by me. I’m planning on moving closer to my parents’ home so that I can have some emotional/physical support.
Am I Unreasonable?
Spoiler Alert – a lot of busy working moms won’t agree with me, even though I’ve “been there” too, but here goes:
Grandparents have done their child rearing, and don’t owe their services to the next generation, though they’re much appreciated when given.
That said, your in-laws were clearly rude, insulting, and critical, so it’s natural for you to be hurt and angry.
Your husband should stand by you, refusing to listen to negative comments. However, he has a right to a relationship with his parents and it’s a poor model for your own children to try to deny this.
If his family are loving to your kids when with them, and do not badmouth you, he should try taking them along sometimes. But he should be clear about those limits. Talk to him about a plan and he’ll see that you are reasonable, though understandably wary.
FEEDBACK Regarding "Desperate and Worried" whose husband’s condition makes him unable to have sex (Nov. 19):
Reader – “Although I sympathize greatly with her very real problem, and agree with your response, I wonder after 26 years married, where is any mention of love?
“The poor man has a life-threatening illness and his wife seems only worried about her libido.
“Yes, counselling is the answer, but to consider divorce or cheating seems shallow and selfish.
“How would she feel if she got a cancer which affected her ability to perform, and he said, "Guess I'll cheat or get a divorce”?
“For us as seniors, the most important part is the long history of love and respect, and intimacy is far more than sex.
“There are obviously more issues involved here. Also, even adult children are affected by their parents’ problems/divorce, and these also have to face their father's prognosis.”
Senior in Love
Tip of the day:
Parents’ role in young adults’ relationships is help them think.