We’re newly married, together eight years.
In our early long-distance relationship, he was uncommitted. I became insecure and paranoid.
Once in the same city, our relationship strengthened. Yet after my husband went with buddies to Mexico, I checked his cell phone and discovered he’d contacted a girl through a Mexico message board. He said it was an innocent exchange about getting together her group and his, which didn’t happen.
After that, I suffered major insecurity.
When he attended a work conference, supposedly sharing a hotel room with a male colleague, I was INSANELY paranoid. I called the hotel and discovered he had a second room. He said his co-worker had met some girls and suggested he get his own room. I was finally convinced that nothing happened.
Unfortunately, I can't dismiss these paranoid thoughts, though he leaves his cell phone around me, and spends every night with me.
I want to move forward but I’m finding it hard.
Persistent insecurity and paranoia can be aroused by many triggers, but can only be dealt with when you know its root cause. I strongly recommend individual therapy to help you probe why these fears are so close to the surface in you. This doesn’t mean that there’s something “wrong” with you; rather, it’s likely that the insecurity stems from a troubling incident or background in your past, and unrelated to your husband.
Once you’re able, with professional guidance, to recognize where this pattern comes from, you can bring him into the picture to better understand your feelings.
I’m divorced with two teenage children, and have remarried.
My new husband was a bachelor who cleaned his own house. We divided up the chores so that we all had one room/area a week to clean, and the children have to clean their own rooms. The children aren't all that great at it.
My husband’s decided that since he doesn't create the mess, he shouldn't have to clean it. He no longer does any chores around the house. He doesn't even cut the grass (I do, sometimes my son).
He recently started his own home-based business, which hasn't brought any money into the household yet. I work a full-time job, do all the cooking, all the laundry, my chores and his, plus the areas of the house not on the schedule.
I feel that he thinks the children should be slaves and do all the work (since they create most of the mess). The children are upset that he's not contributing to the household.
How can I fix this? I love both my children and husband.
You’ve accepted your husband’s position as your third (adult) child. Stop sending this unhealthy message. You need to talk together, and then hold a family meeting to discuss a new plan.
His being home puts him first in line for easing your burden – e.g. he can cook and maintain the lawn. You two can grocery shop in the evening while the teens clean up after supper before being free to do anything else. Their rooms and laundry are theirs to clean, or remain dirty (shut their doors).
Unless you set such rules or similar ones, you’ll soon be resenting them all! There’s a silent power struggle occurring between the kids and their new step-dad, all vying for your care and concern. Hubby must help out more if he wants the marriage to work.
Otherwise, family counselling may be your only chance to survive together.
My husband of several months and I dated for three years and know each other’s families. I have two teenagers from my previous marriage; my husband has one teenager.
My sister-in-law is having a cotillion (like a debutantes’ ball) for her daughter, and didn’t invite my children. I’m hurt and insulted that she wouldn’t acknowledge my kids as family.
My husband thinks I'm making a big deal. I don't want to go; he says I must because that’ll make him look bad.
He should’ve spoken immediately to the hosts, but still can do so.
He appears worse – weak and unsupportive – by not saying this is an unacceptable way to treat his stepchildren. He’s also letting this woman undermine your efforts as a couple to create a blended family.
If he doesn’t recognize this and resolve it, there’ll be other such incidents ahead, harmful to your union.
Tip of the day:
Paranoia can destroy relationships and self-esteem unless treated at its root cause.