I’m a 40-something woman and a satisfied online dater. I’m friendly, sane, reasonably attractive, and financially independent.

In the four years since I've been divorced, I’ve met two dozen nice, non-troubled men via online sites (including my current partner).

In the same four years, any man I’ve known through “community events” has NEVER asked me for a date.

In my world, community events mainly include work, my neighbourhood association, and the other parents on my child's sports team.

However, I'd never date anyone from work. I work in a formal, professional environment, and complications that could arise there would far outweigh benefits.

I'd never date someone from my neighbourhood association, because if it didn't work out, I'd still have to interact with him in the neighbourhood.

And I wouldn't date another single "sports parent" because my child would immediately know the relationship.

I prefer not to introduce my kid to new partners until I'm very sure the relationship has staying power.

I BLESS THE 'NET

You’re the perfect candidate for online dating, and here’s why: You’re wise, confident, self-aware, and personally disciplined.

These traits help you weed out any players very quickly, not be snowed by extravagant claims, or impressed by wealth over substance.

You’re also careful to assess someone you meet, and then develop any potential relationship slowly.

If more online daters – women and men – followed these approaches, I’d hear a lot less stories of disappointments, and shabby behaviour from unhappy online experiences.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband goes silent for months, and has cheated (Nov. 13):

Reader – “I'm on my way to coming out the other side of such a marriage of 30 years. We separated 16 months ago and it was the right thing.

“She says her husband's issues with sex underlie his treatment, but it’d always be something.

“Early on, my husband went silent on me because our apartment wasn’t clean enough, then, because of our cash flow problems. Eventually, he began accusing me of having a wandering eye.

“We received unhelpful counseling twice during the first ten years. He refused after that, until our children approached adulthood.

“We then had a great counselor who helped us have conversations that were necessary.

“One outcome was my husband's recognition that he needed individual counseling. That gave me false hope, as I thought his counselor would question his unfounded beliefs about me.

“She did help him recognize that going silent was an entrenched behaviour that served him as a child, in response to ongoing trauma.

“But she also decided, without ever speaking to me, that I had had an emotional affair with a colleague two decades ago and this was the basis of my husband's suspicions. Or so he says.

“We eventually decided together that we were both in too much pain to continue. We used counseling sessions to plan for our separation. That took six months.

“I do still love him, but I've created for myself a life that’s much less stressful.

“I lived for so many years with anxiety over what might set him off next, and the awful, lonely sadness of feeling rejected by someone I tried so hard to please.

“Your letter-writer can, as I have done, heave her love for that man up onto her shoulder and walk through the door to her own wellbeing. Don't wait for the love to die. It may not, but you can create a good life, even while grieving.”

My ex-husband, plus my male friend (both divorced) had just wanted to make their partners happy.

However, in my case, the only thing that would’ve made me happy was for him to figure out what made him happy, and then contribute that to our partnership.

But he wouldn’t, or couldn’t, do that, fearing that I’d leave, which happened.

My friend finally realized that an amicable split was best. After marital counselling, job changes, and moving, his marriage still wasn’t working.

I’ve learned that you have to do what makes you happy first. If that also makes someone else happy, it’s great. If not, move on. Trying to please someone else first, doesn’t work.

Life Lesson

I agree that you must love yourself in order to love another without feeling insecure, but you’ve left out the concept of compromise, which is essential to a couple accommodating to a life together, over the long-term.