I'm a male, 41, who met an attractive 30-year-old attendant at a spa last fall. I see her once or twice a month. We enjoy each other's company.

We had our first and only date before Christmas. A second date never materialized because it was very hard getting hold of her.

She mentioned in early January that she started dating someone after New Year's and she'd only see me professionally because of the nature of her job.

She doesn't have much social life because she has very few friends. I was really surprised that a new boyfriend appeared out of nowhere.

She admitted to me that she really likes me; I'm the nicest guy she's ever met. She's willing to become my client (I'm a financial advisor). She wants to join my fitness club after she gets certified as a personal trainer. Is she a lost cause for me?

Mixed Messages

Her signals are clear: She's got a "new boyfriend," professional reasons for distance, she's hard to reach. You may be "the nicest guy she's ever met," but it's not all someone says if she wants to see you romantically.

The last thing you want to do is push yourself on her. She may become a client or even a friend, but she's kindly demonstrated she's not going to be more. Look elsewhere to find someone to date.

My husband of 16 years doesn't trust/respect me. He's long believed I had an affair with his friend and that our three children aren't his... yet they look like my husband! I've never been unfaithful nor am I flirty.

Previous women in his life had been unfaithful and he had grown up with an evil stepmother. He was initially kind and loving and seemed like my soul mate.

Now the children are approaching their teens, and, like their father, disrespectful to me. He frequently puts me down.

Although we have an active sex life, I feel that I'm being used.

We've talked about professional counselling, but he fears his employer might discover he's having marital problems. Also, there's little time in our busy schedule to seek help.

I thought I could keep this "marriage of convenience" going until the children were older, and then leave. Now, near 50, I feel my life will be wasted if I don't find some happiness soon. I worry that my children will be scarred for life, thinking this is the way (dysfunctional) families operate, and that they'll go on to belittle the women in their lives, too.

Fed Up

If you both think there's "no time" for counselling now, wait till you both find out how much busier it gets when one of you ends this charade, and you have to negotiate legally and financially through a divorce.

My point? Go to counseling yourself, if he won't go (though if you both chose an independent therapist, his employer has no access to your private business).

Your husband clearly has past abandonment issues but if he won't help himself, you must still help yourself.

See a lawyer and learn your financial rights. Get proactive and gather the energy to deal with your children. Show that you won't tolerate their disrespect. Example - insist they do their own laundry and other personal chores rather than expect you to do everything and then demean you.

When your husband sees you pushing back, he may also gain respect. Or not. But you'll be on a path to improve your life, with or without him.

I've been living with my boyfriend of eight months for one month (both 45-plus). Prior to Valentine's Day he hinted about something great. I thought he was getting more serious. When he presented me a box of heart-shaped chocolates with a music card I was shocked. He's had many previous relationships but never married. So I question how ours will turn out.

I don't want to waste years; I want to be common-law or married. I love him dearly.

What To Do?

Talk to him. Moving in together IS a serious step, or should be. But it's only been one month. Ask what it means to him. Is it ultimately on a path toward long-term commitment? If he says YES, but it's too soon to plan ahead, that's fine. If he hedges, fudges, avoids answering, well, he's had practice at that.

Chocolates may be all that you can count on.