I discovered my boyfriend of four years was cheating on me. I left him, even though he wanted to make things work. I started dating but couldn't stop thinking about him.
Three years later, I forgave him. We’ve been together for a year now and haven’t slept together yet, I want to know he isn't going to hurt me again before I commit sexually.
He’s always bugging me and complaining; we have no other problem. Is it wrong of me to withhold sex? We used to do it all the time before he cheated and broke my heart.
- Holding Back
No, you haven’t forgiven him … and you’re still punishing him. The answer to your give-or-withhold cannot be resolved this way. During this year – or starting right now – there needs to be an airing of why he cheated.
Even celebrity golfer Tiger Woods has had to ’fess up and enter a process of counselling that probes what drove him to infidelity.
Both you and your guy need to understand what happened and then you’ll have something to work on, not just your control of the bedroom. Have sex … but have The Talk now and consider professional help, too.
I’m a member of an office coffee club - $5-a-month covers the cost of cream, sugar, and coffee and saves us money. The club "organizer" sent a group email saying that if we don't take turns each month getting thecream, the individuals who don't, will have to pay a higher due. I don't agree with this on principle. Isn’t it considered coercion?
- Caffeine Conundrum
It’s a tempest in a coffee pot caused by a silly power grab. But perhaps the rest of you were happy enough before to let “organizer” take charge, so you didn’t have to bother.
And clearly, a java-drinker’s been neglecting the cream! Change the dynamic here: Ask for everyone’s suggestions. Group refreshment calls for a group decision. It won’t be coercion if this turns out to be the best solution.
I’m finding it difficult to show compassion toward an employee I supervise, who treats every challenge as a crisis.
Just five of us operate a busy community agency and everyone has current or past trauma – e.g. breast cancer, chronic health issues, etc. I am a mom of three, including a teenager with autism. Yet, we mostly maintain a positive attitude.
However, this one employee gives daily updates on her problems, mostly the normal stresses of parenting and family life. We’ve shown empathy. But to me in particular she shows a very superficial regard for what I deal with at home.
I have some insight into why she is this way, but sometimes I feel dislike for this woman, whom I’ve known for 15 years. How can I overcome this, given that my role as an effective leader requires it?
- Frustrated Boss
Be that leader you’re equipped to be: 1) Show your own restraint by not sharing personal stuff more than occasionally; 2) When she whines on, listen briefly then move away, saying (legitimately) you have work waiting; 3) Search the self-help shelves at your local book store and bring her a gift of a parenting manual that applies to her kids’ age level and behaviour.
Tell her you understand that raising kids is trying – you’re in the midst of it yourself – but that good information can be more helpful than just venting about it. Include a nice card with a smiley face … and keep your cool, instead of feeling conflicted.
My sister graduated university, has a high-paying job and her own house. I share a rented apartment, didn’t graduate university and work in a low-paying job.
I hate my sister. She’s arrogant, rude and snobby. All I hear from her is why I need to change my life around and make choices she’d make. It’s been this way our entire lives.
She feels entitled to everything. Once my parents are gone, I plan to leave her behind forever and never speak of her again.
- Sibling Loathing
She does sound obnoxious, though I do hear a hint of caring about you and thinking her suggestions could be helpful. Well, never mind, you’re happier thinking it’s all her fault.
However, I suspect that if you were truly satisfied with your life, her comments wouldn’t rile you. I suggest you stop thinking about her and focus on what you really want for yourself … and go for it.
Tip of the day:
The Why of an affair needs to be understood, for true forgiveness.