The following first question arrived too late for me to respond due to my Christmas deadline. However, I strongly believe this writer needs an answer for the months and years ahead:

I’m wondering whether I should buy Christmas presents for my siblings.

I'm 18, work 40 hours weekly, so I can’t afford everything I’d want to buy them.

My sister’s 17, in her last high-school year; my brother’s 23 and works with Mom; our dad doesn't live with us.

I was planning on tablets for both siblings, a school laptop for my sister to encourage her to try better in school, and a 50-inch TV that everyone can enjoy.

I've already ordered a pricey vacuum for my mom.

But I’ve discovered that my brother has viewing access to all my online purchases. He told my sister about the tablet and my mom about the vacuum.

There was no "thank you," or even "Wow, sweet!"

My efforts are almost always unrecognized, I’m unrightfully mistreated, and mentally bullied. My siblings show NO respect for me when I spoil them and constantly waste my time on them.

We seldom spend time together, and everyday there's disrespect.

I could've been going to college in January with the money I've spent on them.

All of this hatred towards me. . . yet I still want to spoil them?

 

I feel I have to buy their appreciation, and that irritates me.

When I told my mom that I didn't want to get them their presents anymore she called me stubborn and selfish.

What’s the right thing for me to do?

Confused and Disrespected

I can’t know what you decided, but here’s what I strongly suggest from now on: Save your hard-earned money.

Find a college course that appeals to your interests and will provide you further education, a more secure future, as well as future independence.

Most important, you’ll gain the self-confidence to no longer feel you need to buy anyone’s affection.

Do this as your right, not for retaliation. Buy your family only small, affordable gifts when appropriate e.g. for birthdays.

Set goals for achieving a healthy, positive, life for yourself, and helping family when truly necessary, never to “spoil” them even further.

Every year it’s been the same story… my mother-in-law has always expected us and other married children to have dinner at her place on Christmas Day without ever checking what the in-laws’ families might be doing.

My parents have also preferred the 25^th at their house, but I have to force them to have us the day before or the day after.

This year we were there on our own as my brother’s family accepted for Christmas Day.

How do I get my mother-in-law to stop being so selfish? I need to make this happen for next year.

Christmas Tensions

Speak up, but without a preamble about her being selfish and wrong. Talk soon to the adult children and families involved.

If you can’t all agree to develop a rotating schedule that works, then you and your husband must set one for yourselves.

His parents won’t initially like a change, but if it’s clearly fair to both sides, everyone else in the family will back you.

Also, arrange ahead that you’ll be spending either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day with them when it’s your parents’ turn.

Or, invite your husband’s side to your place so his mom gets a break, she might learn to enjoy.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wanted to hire an investigator to fact-check her boyfriend’s background (Dec. 8):

Reader – “She obviously senses something. If his country of origin allows more than one wife, who says he got divorced?

“Also, if she were to have children, some foreign countries would allow her spouse to take their children on vacation without a guarantee that they’re coming back. Especially, if the marriage fails.

“If I were dating today, I’d also request a medical report stating the person doesn’t have any sexual diseases. I’d expect to provide the same.

“A background check is now standard for employment, so why not for marriage? She doesn’t have to confess to it. It’s for her peace of mind and empowerment as a modern woman protecting herself.

“She may have a great career, home, and be financially sound. She needs to know more before going further.

“Love can be blind, but facts are facts.”