I've been married to my wife for seven years; we have three kids. We've had arguments "off" and "on" about communication. She says that I'm not capable of it.

We haven't been intimate for 16 months. She's always on the computer or watching TV at night. One night I signed on to an explicit website, then had regrets. I forgot to log "off."

My wife confronted me with it, and I told her that I was going to delete it, but she didn't believe me. She thinks that I was going to, or have cheated. She's talking divorce and taking my kids. How do I fix this? She doesn't trust me anymore.

Shut Out

She's already had "escape" on her mind, by avoiding you at night, and especially by avoiding intimacy with you.

However, if she's right that there's a serious communication lack between you two, she may've felt pushed to distance herself. This computer "glitch" provided her with the excuse for divorcing.

Now is the time to talk openly and clearly about loving her and wanting to work on the marriage.

Say that you want to go to marital therapy with her and learn how to communicate better, since this is what she's been asking for. But you must mean it, and not just hang on because you don't want to disrupt your life.

Therapy might bring some positive surprises to you both. The counsellor may find that your wife has contributed to the chill that's been between you. There are therapy strategies you can both practice for getting back to the feelings that brought you together originally. It's worth a sincere try.

I gave in to a parent representative's dictum about the teachers' Christmas gift and regret it.

Every year, the parents all pitch in a nominal sum - it's been $10 while my daughter's attended - and a group gift is purchased. Having been the parent rep when she was in third grade, I know that a few parents just don't contribute and, after checking that they got the email about it, I never asked them why.

This year, the rep said the sum to be given was $15, and didn't say why it'd been raised. With 25 children in a class, it seemed unnecessary to go beyond the $10, and besides, there was no canvassing of opinion or thoughts about some people's circumstances. I said so, and was told only the people who gave $15 would be named on the card. I handed over the money but have been thinking about it since.

I could afford the extra $5, but I resent how this was handled.

Still Annoyed

It's important for you and the rest of the parents that you still address this matter, as a general issue (not a personal one). No teacher who cares about kids wants one or two to be singled out, which can happen if the children or any gossipy parents learn whose names are not on the card.

Perhaps the parent rep didn't mean to be so thoughtless. Nevertheless, she was wrong to pressure and embarrass you this way, and dead wrong regarding school gift policy.

Raise this at a parent association meeting, with the view that any such decision not only requires some group notice, but also allowance for those who can only give what they can afford. AFTER the sum is collected, is when the actual gift should be decided, not before.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman involved with a financially irresponsible man (Dec. 8):

Reader - "Fifteen years ago, I married a man, then 45, deep in debt, who'd never paid his child support. He worked very hard, but self-employed.

"I paid off my home and pay ALL household bills, including his life and car insurances.

"He buys the groceries, but occasionally can't. He has no savings, no pensions, only owns a 1988 van.

"I genuinely love him, and he loves me, and it'd cost me a fortune to end it. I adore his children, and if I don't keep him, they'll have to. I won't do that to them.

"We've never combined our finances. No joint bank accounts or credit cards, he has no idea what I've put away for retirement. I'm not responsible for his debts.

"The writer should RUN FAR. RUN FAST. The resentment will build much faster than she thinks."