Dear Readers: A June 27 column on weddings involving father/step-father participation, brought some impassioned feedback.
The bride had written: “I was raised by my stepfather (from age 7), whom I love. However, I'm occasionally in contact with my real father.” She wanted to invite her biological father but feared hurting, or causing jealousy or insecurity to her “very sensitive” step-dad. Her bio-Dad recently became ill with cancer and mightn’t be able to attend.
I believed she already expected that her stepfather would be hurt, whereas her Dad hadn’t taken part in her life for years.
I suggested she and the groom create a separate celebratory visit, or occasion, just for him, and not invite him to the wedding.

Here are some of your responses:

Reader: Her stepfather should have enough self-confidence to not feel threatened by the biological father. Whose wedding is it? Such a small thing to be invited as a guest to a wedding, and yet, such a big thing when it is one of your parents.

Reader: The same situation happened to me many years ago. She should ask her stepfather how he feels about it. He may surprise her, as my stepfather did with me, years ago.
He once again displayed how special, sensitive and insightful he was by telling me he fully expected me to invite my biological father, because without that man, the wonderful stepdaughter he had, wouldn’t even be here.
She should not make such an important decision without at least asking the question. If she receives a negative response, then, and only then, your advice might apply.

Reader: Have father and stepfather both walk the bride up the aisle, stepfather to remain while father sits in front seat, and stepfather gives the bride away. I did that, only reversed; it works.

Reader: If she wishes her biological father to attend she should find a way. It’s always easier to include people for events than to try to repair the hurt, later, of exclusion.
She could tell her stepfather it would be an impressive gift to her if he’d accept her decision to include her biological dad on HER day.
Personally, once we started to include exes in family events that were significant to our children, the pressure for the children decreased. They didn’t feel they had to choose. They knew that both parents were important and could behave with honour to them and to their stepparents.
I’ve been there as birth mother, step-mom, and grandma to all their kids.

Reader: My future daughter-in-law’s parents divorced when she was 5; she was raised by her stepfather whom she loves dearly. However, she also loves her biological father with whom she’s kept regular contact.
She didn't want to hurt either father, so both are invited to the wedding, but she’s asked her mother - the one constant in her life - to walk her down the aisle. A neat solution… no hurt feelings from either father! There are many creative solutions to handling situations, but leaving hurt feelings is not one of them.

My response: I’ve been there, too – as mom and step-mom, and can appreciate all the above views. The bride and groom’s wishes should be paramount, but when there’s confusion, the least hurtful way for the most people, is the best course.
There’s no one “rule,” as situations vary, depending on the personalities involved, and the length and depth of the relationships with bio-parent and stepparent.

Our usually distant daughter-in-law invited us to join their family on a camping trip. My son was delighted, yet I was shocked. He knows I’ve always avoided camping.
I have food allergies plus IBS (Irritable Bowel Syndrome), so find little comfort stuck in the woods.
Also, I’m a weak swimmer, more secure in a pool than a lake or river.
I said no, but still feel guilty.

- Was I Wrong?

It was a mistake, but not a final one.
Talk to your daughter-in-law openly about your reasons for not accepting this time. Ask her if she knows ways that a camping trip can be less worrisome for you. Example: There are campgrounds equipped with many modern facilities, such as pools, showers, clean washrooms etc.
Or, you and hubby could consider taking a trailer to the campsite, where you’d have some of your own comforts. The family relationship is worth the effort.