My boyfriend of one year and I are both mid-20s, just starting our careers. We have great relationships with each other’s parents.

However, my mother seems increasingly jealous of his mother whom we see more often, living in the same city.

My parents live a two-hour drive away and, because of work, we’re unable to travel there often. But we do see them once a month and spend the whole day.

My mother wants us to stay overnight which isn’t possible because my boyfriend doesn’t get two days off in a row.
My mother feels slighted and often makes remarks like “She’s your new mother.”

She says this in jest, but it hurts me, as I love my mother dearly and would like to spend more time with her.

We’ve been very close and I’ve told her that she’s irreplaceable to me, but this doesn’t seem to be enough.

Should I tell her that her “joking” comments are hurtful or just ignore them?

Sad

You and your mom are both feeling the effects of separation. Your boyfriend can’t get two days off, but if you can, you could occasionally plan a mother-daughter weekend with her… back home or even at your place.

Next time she “jests,” say that you have only one mother, but you were raised, by her, to be respectful to a partner’s mother.

Add that the comments hurt you, and you know she’s hurt too, so you both need to enjoy your time together when possible, without “jokes.”

I'm a professional, in my late-20s. I had an unstable childhood with various traumas, which led to me becoming a cutter at age 15, for four years. I went to counselling and dealt with my issues. I haven't cut myself in many years.

But I’m left with scars all along one arm. They’re obvious enough that some people notice. I've tried creams and consulted with plastic surgeons who say they can't help.

How do I respond when somebody asks me what happened? It happens several times a year and makes me feel humiliated.

Graceful Way Out?

Two realities: 1) This is nobody’s business so you can comfortably say the scars are from an accident long ago, then change the subject. If someone persists, say it’s a trauma you dislike remembering. Period.

2) There are plastic surgeons who specialize in diminishing acne and other scars. Ask for a realistic picture of what can be done.

There’s also make-up available (Google this) which people use post-surgically, which may make the scars less visible.

My parents favoured my younger brother. I could do no right; he could do no wrong. Later, they didn't want anything to do with my children (I'm happily married over 30 years).
After my mother passed, my dad initially talked to me, then stopped. He said his son talks to him and he wanted everything as it was when my mom was alive.
He recently told me that he now has heart problems. He’s asked me to call him daily to make sure he’s okay. He doesn't have many friends and my brother’s now too busy to call or visit.
My heart breaks thinking of his loneliness but I’ve been hurt too many times.

Uncertain

Break this cold pattern, by modelling for your own children what family ties are meant to be. Stay in touch with your father.

It’ll soothe your past hurts to be needed, and to rise above whatever dysfunction existed.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman hurt at being treated as an “aunt” by those involved with her adopted son’s wedding (August 14):

Reader – “One way the son could recognize the true parent who’s been present and loving in all his life, is to acknowledge that parent publicly at the reception.

“This happened to me - unexpectedly - while my daughter walked down the aisle alone even though her father was present (and thankfully was civilized and kept a low profile).

“She surprised and delighted everyone by standing up at speech-making time and acknowledged that while it was less common for the bride to make a speech, she wanted everyone to know, and to thank, her mother for how wonderful her mother has been all during her life, etc.

“There wasn't a dry eye in the place and I’ll never forget her acknowledgement. Her father didn't mind, because he’d always acknowledged the mother's role in all the children's lives.”