My girlfriend and I don’t see eye to eye on an issue. She feels its okay to be friends with men with whom she'd formerly been intimate. Suddenly, there's a couple that she'd like me to spend time with.
Years ago, the wife asked my girlfriend to have sex with her husband. After a night out, they all went home together and my girlfriend slept with her husband.
Even though I didn't know her then, I'm having a hard time spending time with people who don't have the same values as I do, concerning marriage and relationships.
Are my feeling way off base?
Your girlfriend is the one who’s acting “off base” – if she’s to be your partner. It’s her differing values from yours that matter, far more than those of the other couple.
Of course, you don’t want to be with them, since you feel discomfort about what took place; it’s even possible the wife will make another similar request, or ask for a sexual foursome.
Even if your girlfriend had said that she’d made a mistake back then, and that her values have truly changed, you’d still have to wonder why she seeks this couple’s company now.
This difference of opinion isn’t about being friends with longtime ex’s; it’s about your girlfriend liking to flirt with risk.
Tell her you don’t, and don’t accept it.
My ex came back into my life six months ago, after four years apart. We broke up because he was unfaithful with his ex, during the time we were together for seven months.
He’s changed to some degree (more mature). He wanted to try again and promised to change and never again repeat the past.
Since I still love him, I needed to see if the relationship would work. So I said he needed to be honest when I ask questions.
Recently, I learned he was seeing his most recent ex until two weeks before he returned to me – though he’d told me previously that they split months before that.
We had a huge fight.
He explained that after their break-up, they’d remained friends with benefits, but he’d told her never to contact him after he and I got together. He cannot understand why I’m upset, and why I feel lied to. He feels he never lied.
Did I overreact since the subject of ex's is so sensitive to me, or do I have the right to be upset, and that this man only discloses what he thinks is relevant?
- Help Me Decide
Face the truth about this guy and then decide how much you can take of his “selective” responses: He plays fast and loose with the facts, and with your feelings too.
He wants you back, and will dance around any question you ask, rather than disclose anything that might be a deal-breaker for you.
He’s also knows how to keep you on the hook – his explanation is semi-acceptable, so you end up uncertain of your own natural reaction.
If you think he’s worth a second chance, be prepared for more of these emotional rides when he’s got something – anything – to hide, and tries to convince you that you’re the one who’s seeing things all wrong.
Your only hope is to insist he becomes a truly mature partner who can take responsibility for all his actions, or you’ll send him off again.
My best friend is having problems with his girlfriend, but he’s too nervous to ask you... so I thought I would.
He says she doesn’t care about his feelings and that she’s treating him like a robot.
In his own words, “At least before I was a happy robot, but its just getting worse... she’s controlling my life."
Can you help?
- Need Advice
Since your friend – or you, or anyone else in a relationship – is a person with free will, and NOT a robot, he can best help himself.
He must end the relationship and work on regaining his self-esteem.
No one should let another “control” them.
Even when you love someone, you both need boundaries on what is personal space and freedom, without being pushed around.
Since there’s no happiness left in this relationship, it’s destructive to him. He should get out before he gets used to accepting it.
Tip of the day:
Different moral values can eventually mean different, and unacceptable behaviour – better to start a relationship knowing you’re both on the same values page.