My wife of 10 years and I are in our mid-30s. Our emotional, intellectual, and sexual ties (always tenuous) have dried up and we bicker frequently, yet we’re a good parenting team (a baby and a toddler). We’ve been in marriage counselling for six months with mixed results. 

Last year I had an affair with my best friend (female) and almost left my marriage for her.

I know that kids put a strain on any relationship, and that an affair is an artificial situation, but I still feel so torn. I’m worried that I’ll seek another affair since I’m so unsatisfied and lonely. I want to make the marriage work for our kids’ sake, but I also can’t fathom living this way long-term.

How long should I give things to improve?

- Unsettled

It’s the measure of your will to make it work, that matters, plus hers to forgive the affair and work with you. 

“Mixed results” means there’s hope through counselling. Both of you need to discuss, during therapy, why the early ties between you were tenuous and why they’ve withered.

Was your best friend always a greater draw for your time and interest (making your wife feel second-choice)? Do you two pursue any outside activities together, or share information beyond talking about the children? Do you ever have a “date night” out?

Ask your counsellor to help you both assess what expectations you brought to the marriage, and where the disappointments lie for each of you. Once you understand that about each other, you’ll know whether you can improve your connection.

My boyfriend of five years and I are of different backgrounds, but fully committed to each other. We’re mid-20s, both just obtained degrees.  

I live at home, paying off student loans. My parents treat me like a child, and get angry when I stay out late, disallow me from staying out overnight with friends/boyfriend for small vacations.

They disapprove of my boyfriend because of his race and career choice, so I sneak around to see him.

I dread confronting them, as they were immigrants and use guilt over how hard they worked to give me a good life.

I constantly feel depressed and torn between loyalty to my parents and the dream of living an independent life.

- Torn

Sneaking around is the proof your parents need - when they eventually find out - that they DO need to control your life while under their roof. 

Instead, do everything possible to help them see your maturity and responsibility, plus your commitment to this boyfriend. Start looking for work and putting aside money towards the loan; when at home, help out, but also be clear about the time you need to seek a job, and time for some recreation once you’re working.

Yes, you’ll have to confront them about your relationship with this guy, and listen once more to their guilt trip (but it hasn’t stopped you from seeing him in the past). Then, gently respond that you love them and appreciate all they’ve done for you. Point out that they immigrated to a place of freedom and diversity and you’re a product of this society.

Ask that they get to know your boyfriend, by allowing him to visit your home and date you openly. That way, they can be an influence on his life, not just critics.

If nothing moves them to loosen the reins, you’ll have to start planning to move out as soon as possible.

I met a guy two months ago; I feel he’s moving too fast and he’s a little controlling. 

He’s not divorced yet, but constantly asking me to move in.

I didn’t answer my phone one evening so he showed up at my door.

I’m a businesswoman who seldom has time to answer personal calls during work hours.

I want a dating process; he wants to come over during the week, then have me spend the weekend with him.

Recently, he wanted me to spend the night and said, “there’s plenty for you to do.” He was referring to cleaning his house.

I feel I need to move on and quit wasting my time. Your advice?

- Too Soon

Move on and quit wasting your time. You know what you want, and it’s not a second job as housekeeper for a guy you don’t know well, and already suspect is a controller.