My husband and I formerly did a lot of outdoor activities together; he’s an adrenaline junkie; I’m not as “hard core.” 

After injuring myself, I stopped doing some activities, including ones in which I excelled and he worked hard to become equal to me. He eventually found friends for those activities, who could challenge him.

He now feels hurt, angry and frustrated that we can’t share that activity this year. He doesn’t let injuries stop him, while I’m overly careful in my mending.

Now he says I lied to him about the type of person I am, and that he’d put a big effort into becoming equal in those activities, but I haven’t given the same effort. He feels that the sport I was better at was held over him like a “teaser.”

This issue has caused a HUGE rift in our marriage, and I don’t know how to approach healing it.

- Not Mended

It’s a marriage, folks, not an Olympic event. 

If he doesn’t have empathy for your need to heal injuries (hugely important for future health) and can’t take not being “equal” - or better - at a recreational sport, Hubby’s a gold medal jerk. Don’t indulge his tantrum about your having “lied to” or “teased” him, or you’re giving him the go-ahead to remain a jerk in other aspects of your relationship, too. Try a new approach: mutual compassion.

But, meantime, focus on mending… you may soon need your mobility and strength to leave him.

I asked my wife of six years to marry me right after I finished military boot camp. We were young and my attitude while in the military became more aggressive and impatient. We began to argue constantly and I said many hurtful things. 

We’re now two years removed from military life; both completed college, have very good jobs and recently purchased a home. But our last big argument was the last straw for her; she says her heart is no longer in this marriage.

I understand that I’ve been too critical, not appreciative and loving enough. She’s 80 per cent sure it’s over; the other 20 per cent is just comfort.

I now realize how much I’ve hurt her and I am willing to do anything it takes to save my marriage if there’s even a little love left in her. She’s said there is, but she’s very hurt and angry.

I’m moving back to my parents as she’s asked for a break to make a decision whether to get a divorce or give it one more chance. Please help.

- Hurt and torn

Woo that 20 per cent of love left, with all your efforts. Think back to what brought you together originally, and re-kindle those connections – the talking about personal matters, sharing of feelings, intimacies of touch and thoughtfulness. But keep the present in mind, too – the plans for the future, awareness of mistakes you’ve made and communication you missed. 

Show your intention to change your critical ways by:1) respecting how she does things, instead of criticizing her; 2) talking to a counselor about anger management and how to handle your feelings of aggression and frustration.

My friend’s live-in relationship has just broken up through “lack of communication.” Yet the other person speaks of still being in love with him. 

My friend’s really upset. What can a friend advise him to do?

- Concerned

He needs to communicate with his partner, instead of with you. And he needs to want/ decide to do this, on his own.

My friend, 22, is seeing a man, 40; they’re both concerned about the age difference, but don’t want it to get in the way of their happiness.  

She’s mature in many ways, but not regarding men and has never had a long-term relationship. He’s divorced. Neither wants kids, but I’ve expressed concern about her changing her mind in 10 years.

Do you think this could work? I’m worried that he’s looking for a hot young woman for a fling, or that he wants something serious, and she’s not ready.

She seems to like a new guy every two months, falling head over heels, and then getting crushed at break-ups.

- Pessimistic

It’ll work a lot better without “friendly” warnings and speculation; it’ll also break up a lot sooner if they don’t have a lot of pessimists to whom they have to prove something. 

They’re aware of their situation; back off.