I was in a high stress/demanding role before and after having my daughter, age three. I do daily drop-off and pick-up at daycare; my husband cannot accommodate either because, he's self-employed and doesn't drive. I also do all the running around for our needs. Nearly missing a daycare pick-up time sends me into a stress tailspin.

I was laid off, did consulting, but am looking for a job. I'm imploring my husband to allow us to have a live-in nanny to ease the burden of household, daycare, dinner, cleaning, etc. He will not help at home, and refuses to get a nanny.

Exhausted and Frustrated

You and your husband hold fixed positions: YOU want and need, etc. HE refuses, etc. But the Nanny Debate is just one of the many new deals you'll be considering as parents. Start thinking and acting as a team, or you'll be fighting constantly.

Discuss rather than demand. Share your plans - the job hours, income, and your goals for balancing career and child rearing. Insist that he explain his objections, not just block you.

Negotiate. Maybe "live-in" is what he's against, if he works from home. Deal from there. Example, it's possible to hire someone for housekeeping and dinner prep one or two days weekly, and/or to arrange a car pool for some of the daycare driving. Or consider starting with part-time work and employing a part-time babysitter.

Compromise. Or you may eventually be hiring a lawyer along with a nanny.

I was best friends with a female co-worker, we could talk about anything. We became intimate and dated for 18 months. She started text-messaging an ex-boyfriend, saying he was having marital problems and wanted to talk.

Whenever she visited my place, she'd chat on my computer but minimize the chats when I was near. But I loved and trusted her. Once, she was talking on my landline as I entered the room; startled, she hung up. Five minutes later some guy phoned wanting to know why a female had called trying to cause trouble with his wife by telling her that he (one of my girl's ex'es) cheats on her.

Then, the guy's wife called and asked me what was going on. I told her I do NOT know. When confronted, my girlfriend got angry, yelling, denying, saying, "he just wanted to talk." Finally, she said she wanted to cause trouble because "this guy's wife should know he cheats on her."

I broke up with her. I started getting phone calls, with silence and unknown numbers at wee hours of the morning. Friends saw her vehicle in the parking lot near where I lived. At work, we avoided each other. The difficult part was accepting that someone I cared for knowingly lied.

Tough Experience

Sometimes there are no early warning signs, or you're in too deep to recognize them. You'd done all the "right" things - built up a close friendship, then fell in love. BUT, there are some stealth bombers out there - fortunately not many - and they can't seem to stay happy or at peace. They create dramas; perhaps, it's what makes them feel important to themselves.

Fortunately, you had the inner strength to cut her off, without dragging it on or trying to discover what motivates her. Sadly for others, these "crazy-makers" often attach themselves to vulnerable people who have difficulty getting out from the web of lies and deceits. Consider yourself experienced and wise.

FEEDBACK Responses regarding the youngster who sits on the toilet crying and screaming, and not moving her bowels (June 16):

Reader #1- "I'm the father of four daughters. Three had no problem toilet-training; the fourth had major problems. The only effect of rewards or discipline was a very frustrated little girl.

"Finally, a specialist diagnosed a bowel problem which may've occurred while she was in the womb. Three months of a special diet and medication and we had one happy toilet-trained little girl."

Reader #2 - "This child may have a condition called encopresis, which can have several causes, including a physical one. This problem with her toileting may in turn be causing some of her other behaviour problems. It's not a condition well-understood even by many pediatricians, but I urge the parents to seek medical help."

Always seek a medical cause for unusual physical facts, rather than blame behaviour first.