My boyfriend of four years and I talk about marriage. But I'm a Canadian Catholic, he was raised an Arabic Catholic. He's kept some secrets from me: His sister-in-law's pregnancy, our mutual friend's pregnancy.

He now thinks he told me about his sister-in-law (I found out differently though at the time he said it was a family secret). The friend's pregnancy was revealed recently, and when I inquired why he knew but never told me, he said it was nobody's business.

I feel strongly that, if married, there shouldn't be secrets. He insists in his culture it's imperative a secret be kept, or all contact with the revealer will be terminated.

I'm having a hard time with this, as he admits his best friend told him about the pregnancy when it was supposed to be just between the couple until they announced it.

Are double standards emerging? This created a long and heated argument. Is this something I should just accept?

We communicate relatively well other than this -- more so me talking than him, I admit.

Uncertain

Communication isn't just about someone talking; it's about understanding each other. While it's common for people raised in different cultures to find they have divergent standards about some things, there has to be a way to discuss these other than just arguing about who's "right."

These particular secrets aren't earth-shattering matters, so I'm guessing that what you feel upset about is not being in the loop, which you interpret as not being treated as a full partner. Tell him this, rather than debate the cultural significance of secrets.

Six years ago I crashed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome on top of my Fibromyalgia. We're both self-employed (without insurance).

We HAD to move for health reasons, HAD to break even from our house sale, because our business has also gone downhill with the economy. We were also prior victims of investment fraud and lost all our savings.

We let the builder know of our difficulties, and they accepted our terms: the price had to be firm, the contract tight, and no surprises later. We thought we could trust them.

The "surprises" were many. I had to fight them, be vigilant. They caused us a lot of stress, anguish, and financial loss for which they accept no responsibility. We have no legal recourse, because they were very clever.

There's an Ethics Committee (locally) that can launch an investigation and enforce disciplinary action. It'd be embarrassing for the builder and have business consequences. It would not help us.

My husband's against this process, which will take my health further down, and may be fruitless. My energies are VERY limited. Yet I CANNOT let the injustices heaped upon us by the builder go unreported.

Is it wise to engage in a battle you're unlikely to win, when you are already at a huge disadvantage with your health?

Conflicted

The simple answer (even considering your much, much longer letter): Save your health. You're weakening your energies, enjoyment of life, and missing time for a peaceful relationship with your husband, by focusing on things that won't help you.

You're in the house now, and have a business to work on, plus your life as a couple. "Revenge" efforts, or even altruistic exposure of this builder, will consume too much from you at this precarious time in your well being. Later, you may wish to report your complaints and leave it at that.

The important thing now is to back off the fight, lose the victim label, and heal yourself.

My girlfriend likes to pick fights with me in regards to my past history with women! She believes that I'm a womanizer (for which she has no facts), and calls me a liar when she discusses my past!

I've given her every detail that she requires, but she still thinks I'm lying. What can I do? And am I at liberty to give her every single detail of my life even though it has NOTHING to do with her?

Ongoing Battle

Since you say you've been honest, walk away from this fight. More "detail" will only add to her suspicions/obsession.... unless you're withholding the truth she's digging to find.

The main issue is whether you're finished with your past. If YES, tell her so, and try to reassure her that she's The One. Explain that she must stop this inquisition or she'll create a self-fulfilling prophecy because the relationship you two have won't last.